DS was absolutely right about my pessimistic tendencies. I've been thinking about this a lot over the past 72 hours. My life motto has evolved..or devolved?...into "It could always be worse." However, it remains a classic "chicken or the egg" story, because - what came first? Do negative life experiences coach a negative worldview and set of opinions (a kind of "conditioned response" learning that we already know animals are capable of), or does one's negative worldview lead to experiences being interpreted as negative or the negative being focused on while any positives are quickly dismissed as transient or marginal?
I don't believe psychologists will ever answer this question, because all areas of human emotional and mental learning seem to be circular.
Anyway, went to this new crepes restaurant in Riverside over the weekend. We all stood outside this smoke shop (I don't smoke, for the record), talking, bathed in the glow of neon lights in sinful red tones. (On that note, who decided red is the color to link to sin and lust?) Street activity was going on. A small coffee shop had a constant trail of people in and out, a condo building towered above the block with sporadic lights lit. It was PERFECT for drawing or coming up with some artistic set up.
I am again reminded of how incongrous THAT life is, the one I could have chosen, with the one I ended up with. Much like "studio art" and "honors psychology," there is no overlap in the life of an artist compared to a business person outside of a creative field. At times like this, I can see why people pick up smoking.
My friend M had a period of unemployment this year. Amidst the undeniable stress of "where am I going to live when the money runs out?" he spoke in encouraged tones about his life prospects. Having no 8-to-5 opened an avenue for art - a chance to develop his photography hobby into something more substantial - something beyond night club gigs, perhaps. But his relief at now, again having an 8-to-5 is clear. It does not make you happy, but it keeps you safe.
Anyway, the crepe dinner was Friday night. I could have gone out afterward, but I headed home and collapsed into a coma-like sleep. I lounged in bed for the entirety of Saturday. It was nice...of course on Sunday the new drug was prompting my brain to skirt away from any normal human process, so I felt extremely sick and near vomiting all afternoon. Honestly I feel similar today.
I had a dream someone was shot. Someone with dark hair. I knew him in the dream but not in real life. It was some grand horror plot that I can't remember now.
I went on a date last weekend...did I mention that? It was what I thought. I'm done with this for the rest of the year at least.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Shit I Don't Want To Do
My main problem in life is not getting my feelings hurt or not getting oil changes on time or drinking too much orange juice, etc., but instead having all these things I don't want to face for whatever reason that just fester under the mental surface and drive me crazy, so that when one (1) bad thing happens, I just completely lose it. It's the culmination of ALL these things stressing me out.
It's getting to be about time to deal with some of these. The most pressing are:
1) Getting (or not) my PHR
2) Studying for and taking the GRE
3) Picking a grad school program
4) Researching new cars to buy
5) Researching apartments to buy...actually not a good time for that
6) Getting a hair cut
7) Getting my bloodwork done
8) Calling my doctor because ignoring medical issues doesn't solve them
9) Doing art, esp. the RAM squares
10) Making an art website
11) Making an effort to meet people (not love interests, just people)
12) Cleaning my closet and drawers of clothes
13) Ironing the shirts that have been hanging up for 6 months
14) Finding a new dry cleaner
15) Transfering my car's title
16) Researching insurance changes
17) Writing my will
18) Dusting
19) Checking my other, abandoned email account
20) Running a defrag on my computer
F. I feel like I lack some kind of "care" toward life that would make me get on these things. You'd think it's just feeling depressed because that really drains your motivation to..you know..get up in the morning and everything else. But even in my times of delusional happiness I don't do these things. I just bask in the happiness because I know it's temporary.
Well.
One thing that used to be on that list - exercise. I have become exercised-obsessed. Ok, only in the past week, but still. I figure if I do 40-60 minutes of exercise EVERY DAY and monitor what I eat by cutting back on carbs/cheese, I will see noticable results in 4.5 months. The end of the year, that's my goal. Then I have MORE fitness goals for 2012 but let's see if I can commit to this first. I also went to Just Fitness for a tour and membership info. The month-to-month looks affordable but I may take a month to just DIY because if I can accomplish this w/o a gym, it will be cheaper and faster (less drive time).
Someone was like, "oh, you want to get fit to attract hot guys?" It's like, no...I'm thin enough, I attract guys, hot and otherwise. I'm not interested in attracting anyone if all of them just want to use me for sex..or they're crazy. I think it's 1 of the 2....anyway, this is for *me*.
I HAVE to be fit because I have things to accomplish. And not all of them are nice, but anyway. You think about something for 12 years...probably time to do something about it and make it happen. Just wait.
It's getting to be about time to deal with some of these. The most pressing are:
1) Getting (or not) my PHR
2) Studying for and taking the GRE
3) Picking a grad school program
4) Researching new cars to buy
5) Researching apartments to buy...actually not a good time for that
6) Getting a hair cut
7) Getting my bloodwork done
8) Calling my doctor because ignoring medical issues doesn't solve them
9) Doing art, esp. the RAM squares
10) Making an art website
11) Making an effort to meet people (not love interests, just people)
12) Cleaning my closet and drawers of clothes
13) Ironing the shirts that have been hanging up for 6 months
14) Finding a new dry cleaner
15) Transfering my car's title
16) Researching insurance changes
17) Writing my will
18) Dusting
19) Checking my other, abandoned email account
20) Running a defrag on my computer
F. I feel like I lack some kind of "care" toward life that would make me get on these things. You'd think it's just feeling depressed because that really drains your motivation to..you know..get up in the morning and everything else. But even in my times of delusional happiness I don't do these things. I just bask in the happiness because I know it's temporary.
Well.
One thing that used to be on that list - exercise. I have become exercised-obsessed. Ok, only in the past week, but still. I figure if I do 40-60 minutes of exercise EVERY DAY and monitor what I eat by cutting back on carbs/cheese, I will see noticable results in 4.5 months. The end of the year, that's my goal. Then I have MORE fitness goals for 2012 but let's see if I can commit to this first. I also went to Just Fitness for a tour and membership info. The month-to-month looks affordable but I may take a month to just DIY because if I can accomplish this w/o a gym, it will be cheaper and faster (less drive time).
Someone was like, "oh, you want to get fit to attract hot guys?" It's like, no...I'm thin enough, I attract guys, hot and otherwise. I'm not interested in attracting anyone if all of them just want to use me for sex..or they're crazy. I think it's 1 of the 2....anyway, this is for *me*.
I HAVE to be fit because I have things to accomplish. And not all of them are nice, but anyway. You think about something for 12 years...probably time to do something about it and make it happen. Just wait.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Dating: The Predator/Prey relationship.
Several good things happened this morning which is pretty unusual for a Monday. Especially in this business, the idea of things progressing smoothly and fluidly is more of a utopian ideal rather than a business reality. So I'm in a good mood. Despite cramps. Maybe the good mood has something to do with my date this weekend, though honestly I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I am probably the most suspicious person... I feel like if I ever marry someone I'll sleep with one eye cracked open, like a cat. You know...just in case.
Anyway, started thinking, hmm, maybe it is nice to have someone to kiss you. Or to run around town with. Or to cuddle with or whatever. Maybe if I did those things more often, I'd be in good moods more often. But under that thought there's this slightly vomitous feeling. I never thought relationships would make me so uneasy.
I like to keep people (read: men) at arms' length now. Especially at first. You don't know what their history is, or what their intentions are. I wish dating didn't have to be so casual and friendly. I think a 20-questions grilling session up front would tell me a lot of what I need to know. Instead there's all this slow getting-to-know-you business. Bleh.
Seriously, I can look back on a couple relationships and see that it was so clear at the end WHO that person was, but of course early on you just don't know.
I think "relationship" sounds terrifying. Just dating is maybe better. Let's just date forever with no committment and no sex because as soon as that gets in the equation everything gets dicey. It's like people are pulling knives and chaos suddenly arrives on the scene. Let's make things not complicated. Let's not worry about people out to get you or trying to ruin you. I am still a little sick and wary of guys trying to do that. With my history, geez. I'd like to think I won't be gullible anymore. That it's not possible to fall for anything again. But the only way to do that is to be walled off and never emotionally connect with anyone. Which is basically what I do. I just don't know how I'm supposed to ever trust anyone. No matter how nice, educated, sweet, patient, fun, whatever he is...I will always be thinking I'm seeing a lie.
Anyway, started thinking, hmm, maybe it is nice to have someone to kiss you. Or to run around town with. Or to cuddle with or whatever. Maybe if I did those things more often, I'd be in good moods more often. But under that thought there's this slightly vomitous feeling. I never thought relationships would make me so uneasy.
I like to keep people (read: men) at arms' length now. Especially at first. You don't know what their history is, or what their intentions are. I wish dating didn't have to be so casual and friendly. I think a 20-questions grilling session up front would tell me a lot of what I need to know. Instead there's all this slow getting-to-know-you business. Bleh.
Seriously, I can look back on a couple relationships and see that it was so clear at the end WHO that person was, but of course early on you just don't know.
I think "relationship" sounds terrifying. Just dating is maybe better. Let's just date forever with no committment and no sex because as soon as that gets in the equation everything gets dicey. It's like people are pulling knives and chaos suddenly arrives on the scene. Let's make things not complicated. Let's not worry about people out to get you or trying to ruin you. I am still a little sick and wary of guys trying to do that. With my history, geez. I'd like to think I won't be gullible anymore. That it's not possible to fall for anything again. But the only way to do that is to be walled off and never emotionally connect with anyone. Which is basically what I do. I just don't know how I'm supposed to ever trust anyone. No matter how nice, educated, sweet, patient, fun, whatever he is...I will always be thinking I'm seeing a lie.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Carita de Angel
Carita de Angel was the cutest show. It was my first foreign tv show, followed my more from New Zealand, Taiwan, etc....it came on some time when I was almost out of middle school on Univision. Mom and I would watch every episode even though we didn't understand 75% of it (we don't speak Spanish). Basically, it's about this cute little kid, Dulce Maria, who always means well but gets into loads of trouble, and her family. There's this beautiful nun, Hermana Cecilia, who teaches at the school Maria goes to, who falls for her rich handsome dad, Luciano...they are so cute together! And they call her aunt "Tia Pelucas" because she always wears some neon colored wig. And she has a little dog, Chiripa! I always thought Luciano was so good looking lol.
I was gonna draw Hermana Fortunata too but got distracted...
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I went to Mixx yesterday and TacoLu at the beach for the first time! Parking was a bear. We'll see what happens now. I will say, filet mignon in a taco is a pretty good idea. It's hard to be happy really because as soon as you start feeling better, there's more bad news. The cancer's spread into her bones and brain. People are offering to talk to me. What am I supposed to say?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The Cornerstone Luncheon
It's not that I don't catch onto world news or am heartless, I just don't generally comment on it. Millions of people take care of that already.
My immediate concerns are mundane and routine - beaches art walk this Thursday, probably busy due to St. Patty's day, the river clean up this weekend, the photoshoot, and last Friday.
Friday was the Chamber's cornerstone luncheon featuring the new Gov., Rick Scott. It is something you don't want to be late for...so of COURSE I get stuck in traffic on the Main St. bridge coming from office location #1. Ugh! Who knew so many people would be going?! This is my fault for being so politically naive. Anyway, I wasn't worried, because I've been to the Hyatt before and they have this parking garage...which was full. Then the lot they directed everyone to was full. Then there was no where else to go. So, with 10 minutes to spare, I had to drive up and park at office location #2. It's just over half a mile away, but have you ever tried running/walking 1/2 mile in high heels in less than 10 minutes? Through downtown traffic? With a possibly crazy homeless man screaming next to you? Anyway I was SO panicked but made it - had no time to brush my hair though. It was so crowded they had staff with maps of the tables to help you find yours. Whew!
The actual luncheon was okay. Salad: -5. Chicken entree: +10. Speakers: well everyone was there for Rick Scott, even people that dislike him. Apparently this was the highest turn out..over 1,000 people. Around 1,500 I think. A sea of mostly older business men in dark suits. The Gov. spoke before the meal, which was an odd but logical move. I had read about Rick Scott but never heard him speak. Someone at our table pointed out how NOT an orator he is, which is true. Is this good? Does it help with connecting to the masses? Does using less polish in one's speech mean one is less of a "politician" and therefore, less corrupted? ...Don't really think so, but it was very interesting to see him present that way.
I walked back and ran into some guy on the elevators. He had walked back from the luncheon too. Why do I always meet guys A) in elevators and B) when I look awful? Someone asked me after, "was he married?" I don't know!! I never remember to look at hands! Never! But it was just an elevator meeting.
I microwaved chicken noodle soup today at work. Of course I spill it on my hand taking it out...and then spill it on myself again while cleaning it up. My finger kind of burns, but there's nothing cold around. Wish it was nap time!
My immediate concerns are mundane and routine - beaches art walk this Thursday, probably busy due to St. Patty's day, the river clean up this weekend, the photoshoot, and last Friday.
Friday was the Chamber's cornerstone luncheon featuring the new Gov., Rick Scott. It is something you don't want to be late for...so of COURSE I get stuck in traffic on the Main St. bridge coming from office location #1. Ugh! Who knew so many people would be going?! This is my fault for being so politically naive. Anyway, I wasn't worried, because I've been to the Hyatt before and they have this parking garage...which was full. Then the lot they directed everyone to was full. Then there was no where else to go. So, with 10 minutes to spare, I had to drive up and park at office location #2. It's just over half a mile away, but have you ever tried running/walking 1/2 mile in high heels in less than 10 minutes? Through downtown traffic? With a possibly crazy homeless man screaming next to you? Anyway I was SO panicked but made it - had no time to brush my hair though. It was so crowded they had staff with maps of the tables to help you find yours. Whew!
The actual luncheon was okay. Salad: -5. Chicken entree: +10. Speakers: well everyone was there for Rick Scott, even people that dislike him. Apparently this was the highest turn out..over 1,000 people. Around 1,500 I think. A sea of mostly older business men in dark suits. The Gov. spoke before the meal, which was an odd but logical move. I had read about Rick Scott but never heard him speak. Someone at our table pointed out how NOT an orator he is, which is true. Is this good? Does it help with connecting to the masses? Does using less polish in one's speech mean one is less of a "politician" and therefore, less corrupted? ...Don't really think so, but it was very interesting to see him present that way.
I walked back and ran into some guy on the elevators. He had walked back from the luncheon too. Why do I always meet guys A) in elevators and B) when I look awful? Someone asked me after, "was he married?" I don't know!! I never remember to look at hands! Never! But it was just an elevator meeting.
I microwaved chicken noodle soup today at work. Of course I spill it on my hand taking it out...and then spill it on myself again while cleaning it up. My finger kind of burns, but there's nothing cold around. Wish it was nap time!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Six Degrees
So, in November I discovered the AMAZING show Six Degrees and watched all 13 episodes in about a week (which is fast for someone who mostly sleeps when not working). I can't believe it was canceled! It's one of those things that just had a lot of rotten luck (like being placed near Grey's Anatomy in 2006 - weren't they in competing time slots?), but also has some serious fans. I thought it was really well done and acted....follows 6 (mostly) people in New York and the ways their lives intertwine. There are few dramas like this I see and think not only is everything realistic (well, maybe except for some of Mae/Claire's issues), but I also LIKE everyone. Caseman was so "blaahhhh one-toned" some time he did get on my nerves, but I liked even him. Anyway I'm mildly obsessed with it and will probably draw more pics to express that.
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I drew this a few weeks ago from my downtown window...I don't know what this building used to be, but this sign's been on top of it forever.
I'll end with an awesomely horrible and LAZY sketch, which is how 90% of my sketches turn out. You can tell it was done with absolutely 0 thought or planning and can see what parts I completely didn't care about...men's legs, apparently. Oh well! These are all old - no time for sketching in December so far.
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I drew this a few weeks ago from my downtown window...I don't know what this building used to be, but this sign's been on top of it forever.
I'll end with an awesomely horrible and LAZY sketch, which is how 90% of my sketches turn out. You can tell it was done with absolutely 0 thought or planning and can see what parts I completely didn't care about...men's legs, apparently. Oh well! These are all old - no time for sketching in December so far.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Oh, it's the holidays...
While everything related to driving pisses me off, I think HUMAN traffic patterns are interesting. Office patterns. Interesting how Monday morning of a big holiday week there is virtually no office noise (read - inhabitants) until 9:00 or shortly before. I expect come 4:45 p.m. this Wednesday the place will be dead silent, with the exception of ME.
Interesting weekend. Yelling fights, possible food poisoning, sleeping delusionally for 14 hours Sat/Sunday, jumping into a black abyss artistically. Not really, just that I bought those RAM canvases and have no idea what to do with them. Plus the guy tells me they're closing Dec 18th, not to reopen until March. Excellent. An approaching deadline in the middle of the holidays is exactly what I was looking for.
I'm having a problem because still, the only thing I feel like painting is a vulture. I can't do vultures here b/c I'm doing a separate collection. Also, I think putting prices on them makes me feel daunted. I don't want to think about $ b/c that makes me think that the point of this experiment is to try to SELL, meaning the drive behind a painting should be "what do other people want?" I don't think i'm in a solid enough position to give a crap what other people want right now.
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We are finally working on New Year's Eve plans, and Orlando is looking more likely. :) OMG I miss Orlando so much. I thought about going there after Thanksgiving, just on my own, but then I once again didn't get an oil change. Bother. I have this unfortunate mental image though of standing around some club at the midnight countdown amidst my friend (with her bf), and a bunch of guido-esque guys of his I couldn't be less interested in. I don't WANT to find someone I'm interested in, for the record, I just find third-wheeling moments a little trite these days. I shall sip my drink with a blase expression from the balcony.
At art walk, we met this french guy who went on and on about some European big-wig coming down from his castle and escorting all the American tourists over to his place for an after-party in 14 cars. I told J that sounded like a story to me, but she said it's likely for that part of town. All I know is I felt REALLY provincial after that discussion. I am reminded again that I am the only person I know who hasn't been to Europe/Asia/somewhere!! I haven't even been to the west coast of America. I really need to get out more.
I need to get healthy first. You'd think 1.5 months of iron would have done some good. Not according to this weekend.
Interesting weekend. Yelling fights, possible food poisoning, sleeping delusionally for 14 hours Sat/Sunday, jumping into a black abyss artistically. Not really, just that I bought those RAM canvases and have no idea what to do with them. Plus the guy tells me they're closing Dec 18th, not to reopen until March. Excellent. An approaching deadline in the middle of the holidays is exactly what I was looking for.
I'm having a problem because still, the only thing I feel like painting is a vulture. I can't do vultures here b/c I'm doing a separate collection. Also, I think putting prices on them makes me feel daunted. I don't want to think about $ b/c that makes me think that the point of this experiment is to try to SELL, meaning the drive behind a painting should be "what do other people want?" I don't think i'm in a solid enough position to give a crap what other people want right now.
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We are finally working on New Year's Eve plans, and Orlando is looking more likely. :) OMG I miss Orlando so much. I thought about going there after Thanksgiving, just on my own, but then I once again didn't get an oil change. Bother. I have this unfortunate mental image though of standing around some club at the midnight countdown amidst my friend (with her bf), and a bunch of guido-esque guys of his I couldn't be less interested in. I don't WANT to find someone I'm interested in, for the record, I just find third-wheeling moments a little trite these days. I shall sip my drink with a blase expression from the balcony.
At art walk, we met this french guy who went on and on about some European big-wig coming down from his castle and escorting all the American tourists over to his place for an after-party in 14 cars. I told J that sounded like a story to me, but she said it's likely for that part of town. All I know is I felt REALLY provincial after that discussion. I am reminded again that I am the only person I know who hasn't been to Europe/Asia/somewhere!! I haven't even been to the west coast of America. I really need to get out more.
I need to get healthy first. You'd think 1.5 months of iron would have done some good. Not according to this weekend.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Gravedigger ramble
The past 24 hours have been insane. Massively unexpected car crash (luckily only my car involved) after my first time hydoplaning (hates driving even more now) and a random door-to-door nurse who ambushed me in my office with the flu shot. And FYI - it makes your arm really hurt!! Anyway, I'm going to blah all the excess details about a more peaceful time...the Gravedigger's Ball!
Gravedigger's Ball 10/29/10
I get to K's later than intended (as always.) She opens the door wearing a costume much more appropriate for a 20-something than me: black corset, skirt, and stockings with super tall black stripper heels. She's got the cutest devil horns to round it out. Me, on the other hand, - wearing a child's miniskirt for $5 from Wal-Mart (it flounces!), black leggings with yellow/black striped leg warmers, black heels, a yellow shirt, wings, and bee antennas. I cut the shirt there so I could get a second opinion, just enough to show black tank top. My heels are modest and not stripper-like. Even so, I'm about 5'9'' and tower over her ala J-wow towering over Snooki.
Fl/Ga is always cramping my style, so I wasn't optimistic about parking, but we get right in for $5, sweet. I'd been feeling tired and nonplussed beforehand but once we got up to the bloody door I was REALLY excited. Ok, so VIP tickets were overpriced, and no one even checked for wristbands, but there were so many excellent costumes, like:
-gingerbread man
-crazy dancing Bert (ala Ernie and Bert)
-big giant alien
-about 50 Mad Hatters and Red Queens
-giant stilt bird
-oh, and at least 20 bee girls who looked way more like bees than my cheap a$$
First thing is this aquarium room (with another bee AND devil girl in it, I may add) where 2 women are giving crystal ball readings. We have to try this. I sit down and she asks me to picture a question, an issue that I need answered. I think about some dumb romantic question involving a guy. She squints into the ball.
"I see an airplane... a trip? A journey? But there is positive energy on this journey."
I mentally try to relate this to romance. She tells me she also sees stress and recommends that I close my eyes and count to 3 when I feel at my wit's end. I don't tell her I'd be doing that so often I'd be walking around blind.
MOSH is really the perfect venue b/c it's got so much that can easily become weird and creepy: giant teeth, dinosaurs, muscle tissue, etc. And it's all done up for Halloween. We push past some hookerish sailor girls and head up the stairs when all of a sudden, K's stripper heel just dies. The platform detaches and just hangs off sadly. Holy hell, this is not good. We make it up the stairs but her platform doesn't; it detaches and tumbles down. Like some dark, modern Cinderella. I awkwardly backtrack to get it, but luckily a pirate gets there first and hands me the shoe. So we peel the other platform off too, but that makes it worse. No other option: we have to leave, get another pair of shoes, and come back.
We're almost at the front when this spunky lady in a shiny blue geisha dress tells us we're going the wrong way. I explain the shoe crisis. The lady is horrified and immediately offers to help:
"I'm Sabrina. I run "Go Cocktails" upstairs. I have flip flops! Why don't you borrow my flip flops?!"
Omg you're a life-saver.
We slink back past half-naked staff to the cocktail girls' dressing rooms. It's very behnid-the-scenes. Sabrina's Aunt pops in to help. We're trying to unlace K's heels- these things are done up like Victorian shoes - and Aunt's fingers just fly down the hooks and laces while I'm still trying to undo the knot on the other shoe.
K isn't thrilled, but this seems like Best Case Scenario to me. We muck back up the stairs, and the next floor is awesome- lottsa people and drinks. VIP is on the roof, and the only way up is one very slow elevator. A crowd of mutinous drunk people mulls around in line, including this agressive zombie I have to give a mean look to. This giant evil pumpkin head guy walks out of a wall and glances around before running off. We see him again once 20 of us have squeezed onto the elevator. His pumpkin face is pressed up against the glass from outside while he pounds the walls and his demonic red eyes flash.
The doors finally open into a dark hallway that leads into open air - food and drinks and a skyline view. We're 2 seconds into rounding the room when a...cannibal? some guy comes up to us and starts chatting. He pulls us over to his friends, a nun who does not look holy, a red riding hood, and a mobster guy. "How old are you?" he ends up asking.
"Guess," I say. They always think I'm younger.
He narrows his eyes. "21?" I wonder what he would have said if it wasn't obviously a drinking event.
"Did you come together?" one of the girls asks, maybe the nun. We say we did, and they "Ahhh." I'm pretty sure they think we're lesbians.
We chat some more and then I decide it's drink time. The Go Cocktails table has lots of girly drinks, so it's hard to choose. I make a dumb choice with a sugar-free cosmo. Nothing sugar free ever tastes right! But it's pretty. It's also super strong, and I feel it about a quarter of the way through.
We people watch for a while, when the Party Animal comes up to us with a monkey head. He has a lot of beers around his waist and I tell him so, because it's disconcerting to have someone with a monkey head stare at you and not say anything. He takes off the head and starts talking. He's really nice, but it comes out in kind of a slur.
He asks how old we are. ("Howz old mmmz r yoo?") I tell him to guess. He says 21 too. I laugh, and he looks confused. He starts telling us how to make a good drink and something about the West Side.
We wander back down to the dinosaur area below and hear some kind of pulsating loud house music coming around a corner. It's the planetarium- massive laser show. Kids are slinking all around the walls and strung out of the floor staring up. A laser of a giant desk lamp floats around with some trapezoid shapes shaking. A Nordic guy sees me taking pics and leans around my shoulder. He wants me to take a pic through his 3D glasses to see the effect (blurry, btw). He lets us keep the glasses, but they're not 3D after all. They split each image up into about 15 litle images all spinning around. It's too trippy for me. But I loved it.
We make it out to dinosaurs and weird ameoba-like creatures and camwhore. Then the ambiguously gay duo rushes past to take over the costume contest. There are at least 2 people way taller than me - a giant alien and a tan cute guy dressed as a nerd. We make another trip to VIP. They had pasta, for heaven's sake, and I'm going to make use of my $!
We head out before closing, b/c K's a little down about the shoes. We're able to get them back and leave Sabrina's flip flops in the dressing room.
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Overall, I liked it. I was really glad we went. Really sucks about the shoes, but lucky it worked out. Overpriced though. I think next year I'll go all out.
Gravedigger's Ball 10/29/10
I get to K's later than intended (as always.) She opens the door wearing a costume much more appropriate for a 20-something than me: black corset, skirt, and stockings with super tall black stripper heels. She's got the cutest devil horns to round it out. Me, on the other hand, - wearing a child's miniskirt for $5 from Wal-Mart (it flounces!), black leggings with yellow/black striped leg warmers, black heels, a yellow shirt, wings, and bee antennas. I cut the shirt there so I could get a second opinion, just enough to show black tank top. My heels are modest and not stripper-like. Even so, I'm about 5'9'' and tower over her ala J-wow towering over Snooki.
Fl/Ga is always cramping my style, so I wasn't optimistic about parking, but we get right in for $5, sweet. I'd been feeling tired and nonplussed beforehand but once we got up to the bloody door I was REALLY excited. Ok, so VIP tickets were overpriced, and no one even checked for wristbands, but there were so many excellent costumes, like:
-gingerbread man
-crazy dancing Bert (ala Ernie and Bert)
-big giant alien
-about 50 Mad Hatters and Red Queens
-giant stilt bird
-oh, and at least 20 bee girls who looked way more like bees than my cheap a$$
First thing is this aquarium room (with another bee AND devil girl in it, I may add) where 2 women are giving crystal ball readings. We have to try this. I sit down and she asks me to picture a question, an issue that I need answered. I think about some dumb romantic question involving a guy. She squints into the ball.
"I see an airplane... a trip? A journey? But there is positive energy on this journey."
I mentally try to relate this to romance. She tells me she also sees stress and recommends that I close my eyes and count to 3 when I feel at my wit's end. I don't tell her I'd be doing that so often I'd be walking around blind.
MOSH is really the perfect venue b/c it's got so much that can easily become weird and creepy: giant teeth, dinosaurs, muscle tissue, etc. And it's all done up for Halloween. We push past some hookerish sailor girls and head up the stairs when all of a sudden, K's stripper heel just dies. The platform detaches and just hangs off sadly. Holy hell, this is not good. We make it up the stairs but her platform doesn't; it detaches and tumbles down. Like some dark, modern Cinderella. I awkwardly backtrack to get it, but luckily a pirate gets there first and hands me the shoe. So we peel the other platform off too, but that makes it worse. No other option: we have to leave, get another pair of shoes, and come back.
We're almost at the front when this spunky lady in a shiny blue geisha dress tells us we're going the wrong way. I explain the shoe crisis. The lady is horrified and immediately offers to help:
"I'm Sabrina. I run "Go Cocktails" upstairs. I have flip flops! Why don't you borrow my flip flops?!"
Omg you're a life-saver.
We slink back past half-naked staff to the cocktail girls' dressing rooms. It's very behnid-the-scenes. Sabrina's Aunt pops in to help. We're trying to unlace K's heels- these things are done up like Victorian shoes - and Aunt's fingers just fly down the hooks and laces while I'm still trying to undo the knot on the other shoe.
K isn't thrilled, but this seems like Best Case Scenario to me. We muck back up the stairs, and the next floor is awesome- lottsa people and drinks. VIP is on the roof, and the only way up is one very slow elevator. A crowd of mutinous drunk people mulls around in line, including this agressive zombie I have to give a mean look to. This giant evil pumpkin head guy walks out of a wall and glances around before running off. We see him again once 20 of us have squeezed onto the elevator. His pumpkin face is pressed up against the glass from outside while he pounds the walls and his demonic red eyes flash.
The doors finally open into a dark hallway that leads into open air - food and drinks and a skyline view. We're 2 seconds into rounding the room when a...cannibal? some guy comes up to us and starts chatting. He pulls us over to his friends, a nun who does not look holy, a red riding hood, and a mobster guy. "How old are you?" he ends up asking.
"Guess," I say. They always think I'm younger.
He narrows his eyes. "21?" I wonder what he would have said if it wasn't obviously a drinking event.
"Did you come together?" one of the girls asks, maybe the nun. We say we did, and they "Ahhh." I'm pretty sure they think we're lesbians.
We chat some more and then I decide it's drink time. The Go Cocktails table has lots of girly drinks, so it's hard to choose. I make a dumb choice with a sugar-free cosmo. Nothing sugar free ever tastes right! But it's pretty. It's also super strong, and I feel it about a quarter of the way through.
We people watch for a while, when the Party Animal comes up to us with a monkey head. He has a lot of beers around his waist and I tell him so, because it's disconcerting to have someone with a monkey head stare at you and not say anything. He takes off the head and starts talking. He's really nice, but it comes out in kind of a slur.
He asks how old we are. ("Howz old mmmz r yoo?") I tell him to guess. He says 21 too. I laugh, and he looks confused. He starts telling us how to make a good drink and something about the West Side.
We wander back down to the dinosaur area below and hear some kind of pulsating loud house music coming around a corner. It's the planetarium- massive laser show. Kids are slinking all around the walls and strung out of the floor staring up. A laser of a giant desk lamp floats around with some trapezoid shapes shaking. A Nordic guy sees me taking pics and leans around my shoulder. He wants me to take a pic through his 3D glasses to see the effect (blurry, btw). He lets us keep the glasses, but they're not 3D after all. They split each image up into about 15 litle images all spinning around. It's too trippy for me. But I loved it.
We make it out to dinosaurs and weird ameoba-like creatures and camwhore. Then the ambiguously gay duo rushes past to take over the costume contest. There are at least 2 people way taller than me - a giant alien and a tan cute guy dressed as a nerd. We make another trip to VIP. They had pasta, for heaven's sake, and I'm going to make use of my $!
We head out before closing, b/c K's a little down about the shoes. We're able to get them back and leave Sabrina's flip flops in the dressing room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Overall, I liked it. I was really glad we went. Really sucks about the shoes, but lucky it worked out. Overpriced though. I think next year I'll go all out.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Atlantic people
Bl-ahh. Gonna write a novel-ish post about the Gravedigger's Ball, but not tonight. Had a horribly stressful day and had to go grocery shopping after work. In a moment of weakness, I bought....cookies. :( FML. They had sprinkles and were so pretty. :/
Such a crazy week. Imma chill out tonight and maybe paint cause I won't get a break now until the weekend. But first: cooking pierogies (spelling?). I feel unsettled.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Completely wrong and right, at once
After my Saturday night plan for Dave and Busters was RUINED (among other plans for the weekend, thank YOU), I ended up rounding peoples together for Urban Flats. Urban Flats (in Jax southside, not beaches) has a totally different flair than the ones in Orlando or Bradenton. It's huge, and so crowded you can barely find parking. I decided to throw some money around and bought the most delicious martini of my life.
My new drink of choice will be: the martini (not including the appletini, which I had an unpleasant experience with). Martinis are overpriced until you're actually drinking them, upon which point you realize the $ is SO worth it. Mas, mas, mas.
I'm trying to keep my head above the constant death and depression surrounding my life. HOW CHEERY!! I think everyone is. It's just....I mean, we're all realists here. And reality does go in one direction. In the end, we may be faced with a reality that I'm already anticipating (darkly) but not prepared to handle.
So I plan on attending a lot of happy hours. I am going to fulfill that prophecy I made back Senior year in the apartment living room. I'll be here and you'll be there, etc. Lol, well another step closer. I can practically see the future. What a mess things are. I got myself into a baby shower this week (what was I thinking? It's like I blocked how awkward the last one was from memory). Got someone's going-away party. Hopefully Orlando this weekend for roomie reunion!!
I was reading this Orlando Weekly I'd saved and comparing it to the Folio Weekly. Why have I always thought these 2 cities have such different atmospheres? No one else ever notices this. I wish I had a way to remove the bias of my experiences and evaluate the 2 from a blank slate. Regardless of anything, I still miss Orlando. If I was rich, I think I'd buy a condo there for the weekends.
You can't depend on anyone for good bacon these days. Even Metro Diner disappointed. We went there Saturday and they had a kid's drawing on the wall that I recognized from my first visit in August of 2008, the day after I moved back to Jax. 2 years feels like 20.
E and her bf have been trying to get me to meet this guy since summer started, and I just refuse. There is only one man in all of Jax I'd like to get to know more, and he is undateable b/c 1) he smokes, and 2) he's about 10 yrs. older than me.
Que lastima, but who has the time? At any rate, I forgot my pain meds at home. Of course, it's turning out to be a SUPER fun day. I'll see the doctor in October and plan to ask for something drastic. I cannot afford to spend 1/4 of my life curled up in pain! They should make sick days for this kind of thing.
Oh, and California Pizza Kitchen finally opening in the Town Center. People love this place. I had someone refer to it today as "CPK." Acronyms = adoration. Well I think it's overrated. People like to rave about mom and pop Italian places, or trendy places, but no matter where you go, Olive Garden always ends up with the best food. CPK (ha) is a bit small, pricey, and you don't get much. My meal was sooo small, and the foccascia (sp?) was inadequate. Maybe I was just irritated because this girl next to me was SOO loud. Or maybe I should have ordered a martini.
My new drink of choice will be: the martini (not including the appletini, which I had an unpleasant experience with). Martinis are overpriced until you're actually drinking them, upon which point you realize the $ is SO worth it. Mas, mas, mas.
I'm trying to keep my head above the constant death and depression surrounding my life. HOW CHEERY!! I think everyone is. It's just....I mean, we're all realists here. And reality does go in one direction. In the end, we may be faced with a reality that I'm already anticipating (darkly) but not prepared to handle.
So I plan on attending a lot of happy hours. I am going to fulfill that prophecy I made back Senior year in the apartment living room. I'll be here and you'll be there, etc. Lol, well another step closer. I can practically see the future. What a mess things are. I got myself into a baby shower this week (what was I thinking? It's like I blocked how awkward the last one was from memory). Got someone's going-away party. Hopefully Orlando this weekend for roomie reunion!!
I was reading this Orlando Weekly I'd saved and comparing it to the Folio Weekly. Why have I always thought these 2 cities have such different atmospheres? No one else ever notices this. I wish I had a way to remove the bias of my experiences and evaluate the 2 from a blank slate. Regardless of anything, I still miss Orlando. If I was rich, I think I'd buy a condo there for the weekends.
You can't depend on anyone for good bacon these days. Even Metro Diner disappointed. We went there Saturday and they had a kid's drawing on the wall that I recognized from my first visit in August of 2008, the day after I moved back to Jax. 2 years feels like 20.
E and her bf have been trying to get me to meet this guy since summer started, and I just refuse. There is only one man in all of Jax I'd like to get to know more, and he is undateable b/c 1) he smokes, and 2) he's about 10 yrs. older than me.
Que lastima, but who has the time? At any rate, I forgot my pain meds at home. Of course, it's turning out to be a SUPER fun day. I'll see the doctor in October and plan to ask for something drastic. I cannot afford to spend 1/4 of my life curled up in pain! They should make sick days for this kind of thing.
Oh, and California Pizza Kitchen finally opening in the Town Center. People love this place. I had someone refer to it today as "CPK." Acronyms = adoration. Well I think it's overrated. People like to rave about mom and pop Italian places, or trendy places, but no matter where you go, Olive Garden always ends up with the best food. CPK (ha) is a bit small, pricey, and you don't get much. My meal was sooo small, and the foccascia (sp?) was inadequate. Maybe I was just irritated because this girl next to me was SOO loud. Or maybe I should have ordered a martini.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Hello Summer!
It's been a pretty good first half of Monday. Which makes me super hesitant about being happy for the rest of the day. Who knows what disaster awaits? Or maybe the disasters are waiting for later in the week. Prolly.
I am feeling today:
content
accomplished
slightly stupid
cold
28 geese floated across the golf course lake yesterday at once.
Much shopping with different shopping buddies took place. Lots of deals. OMG deals, deals, deals. I get like, metaphoric, simultaneous hearts and dollar signs in my eyes. Swoontastically happy.
Things to do outside of work this week:
exercise...duh
get coat altered...and while I'm at it, 2 or 3 suits
sew hems on 3 pairs of pants
sew loose buttons. I hate sewing.
iron
hang painting and feather masks
dinner with Esa at Bento
finish my painting
oil change (whine, whine, whine)
check and refill tires
thank you card
see Eclipse (ahem...yeah ok)
Bachelorette Monday Night
I can't believe I watch that stupid show. I *know* it's stupid and rigged and horrid and I can't....stop...watching it! I can't wait for her to get rid of the guy that got that stupid tattoo. I think she should go with the guy that looks like Fry. He seems pretty genuinely sweet. I'm glad I don't have much going on socially this week b/c I really do have to make progress with these chores.
I have 100% decided to buy a pet pig. I will have a 1-2 year plan. I must save up for him, and get a big living space. Ok, if it's a house...that'll be more than a 2 year plan. And I'd like to have kids someday...so I hope pigs get along with children. I was looking through that giant coffee table zodiac book to see who Tauruses are compatible with (answer: no one except Picses apparently. Well that's the "most ideal" match. Who the heck is a Picses? No one! I don't want to date a Picses!) when I found this thing saying the ideal pet for a Taurus is: a pot bellied pig!!!
OMG! Not as good as a tea cup pig...but close. How true is this!!! Meant to be....
And then I'm going to take a week (yes a full week!) off of work to travel to those random exits no one goes to in Florida with my pig, my camera, and a gun (to be safe) and just photo-document the entire area. Maybe I'll buy it little shoes.
Quarantine wasn't a great movie. Everyone says REC is better...I disagree. I think it just got there first. But then, I may be biased...Jay Hernandez is in it. He is so good looking and likable; I'm surprised he doesn't find more work. Although Jennifer Carpenter's in it too..and she got terrible in the last 15 minutes.
I am feeling today:
content
accomplished
slightly stupid
cold
28 geese floated across the golf course lake yesterday at once.
Much shopping with different shopping buddies took place. Lots of deals. OMG deals, deals, deals. I get like, metaphoric, simultaneous hearts and dollar signs in my eyes. Swoontastically happy.
Things to do outside of work this week:
exercise...duh
get coat altered...and while I'm at it, 2 or 3 suits
sew hems on 3 pairs of pants
sew loose buttons. I hate sewing.
iron
hang painting and feather masks
dinner with Esa at Bento
finish my painting
oil change (whine, whine, whine)
check and refill tires
thank you card
see Eclipse (ahem...yeah ok)
Bachelorette Monday Night
I can't believe I watch that stupid show. I *know* it's stupid and rigged and horrid and I can't....stop...watching it! I can't wait for her to get rid of the guy that got that stupid tattoo. I think she should go with the guy that looks like Fry. He seems pretty genuinely sweet. I'm glad I don't have much going on socially this week b/c I really do have to make progress with these chores.
I have 100% decided to buy a pet pig. I will have a 1-2 year plan. I must save up for him, and get a big living space. Ok, if it's a house...that'll be more than a 2 year plan. And I'd like to have kids someday...so I hope pigs get along with children. I was looking through that giant coffee table zodiac book to see who Tauruses are compatible with (answer: no one except Picses apparently. Well that's the "most ideal" match. Who the heck is a Picses? No one! I don't want to date a Picses!) when I found this thing saying the ideal pet for a Taurus is: a pot bellied pig!!!
OMG! Not as good as a tea cup pig...but close. How true is this!!! Meant to be....
And then I'm going to take a week (yes a full week!) off of work to travel to those random exits no one goes to in Florida with my pig, my camera, and a gun (to be safe) and just photo-document the entire area. Maybe I'll buy it little shoes.
Quarantine wasn't a great movie. Everyone says REC is better...I disagree. I think it just got there first. But then, I may be biased...Jay Hernandez is in it. He is so good looking and likable; I'm surprised he doesn't find more work. Although Jennifer Carpenter's in it too..and she got terrible in the last 15 minutes.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Bad Sketch Dump
Woke up at 9 today after 15 hours of sleep. Didn't even eat dinner. *sigh* Just when I think I'm getting better, I realize, I'm probably still dying or something. Or it could be just the stress. 
Did some messy sketches a week or so ago one morning when I was B.O.R.E.D. I keep thinking sometime soon I'll be capable of drawing something real. This is a doodle >
Doodles happen when you're on the phone. Then I tried sketching from some internet picz. That's different than sketching from photos, because you can't see anything clearly. This is Show Luo and Rainie from Hi My Sweetheart, which is either cute or stupid; not sure. I love Show Luo's wig...I went to middle school with a boy with mushroom hair.
It's terrible though because Rainie ended up looking REALLY off. So then I did this one, with Nai Nai and Anson from FTLY, and both look o.k. separately, but together the sizes are off. This is because I was too lazy to do figure mapping. I started with the right side of Nai Nai and ended with the left side of Anson. If you don't do at least a general map before you start, one side of a pic almost always ends up the wrong size (or squished or running off the page.)
The only one I did a proper job with is this one with Rainie and Wil Pan. I love them in Miss No Good! :) Anyhow, crappy unfinished sketches like this are wastes of time. I have a canvas ready to go, but I've been too tired/obsessed with finding Slovakian disco music lately to focus. Luckily I finally found a file of Pravda Vit'azi! :)
Did some messy sketches a week or so ago one morning when I was B.O.R.E.D. I keep thinking sometime soon I'll be capable of drawing something real. This is a doodle >
Doodles happen when you're on the phone. Then I tried sketching from some internet picz. That's different than sketching from photos, because you can't see anything clearly. This is Show Luo and Rainie from Hi My Sweetheart, which is either cute or stupid; not sure. I love Show Luo's wig...I went to middle school with a boy with mushroom hair.
It's terrible though because Rainie ended up looking REALLY off. So then I did this one, with Nai Nai and Anson from FTLY, and both look o.k. separately, but together the sizes are off. This is because I was too lazy to do figure mapping. I started with the right side of Nai Nai and ended with the left side of Anson. If you don't do at least a general map before you start, one side of a pic almost always ends up the wrong size (or squished or running off the page.)
The only one I did a proper job with is this one with Rainie and Wil Pan. I love them in Miss No Good! :) Anyhow, crappy unfinished sketches like this are wastes of time. I have a canvas ready to go, but I've been too tired/obsessed with finding Slovakian disco music lately to focus. Luckily I finally found a file of Pravda Vit'azi! :)
The best sketch by far though is this one. This personifies how I feel at any given moment. 
Well, if it doesn't rain, I have a Hare Krishna (spelling?) festival to get to and a new wardrobe to buy. If I feel like jumping the gun, that is.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
the third galaxy
I look ridiculously forward to very small, insignificant events. It's because I don't have enough fun in my life. I'm super excited art walk is tomorrow, omgz.
You know how everyone flocks to see the Mona Lisa? And it's such a small and not particularly interesting painting. Not especially unique. A lot of paintings had small hints of smiles. I don't see what the big deal is. I look at all those people and deem them art fools, but then, if I was there, I'd crowd around to see it too, just because OMG it's the Mona Lisa (!!!) and it's so famous, you just have to lay your eyes on it (!!!). But seriously. People just hear enough that something is great and they perpetuate that idea, regardless of how they really feel about it. I think academically, art discussion should be about measurable elements: composition, color, expression, era, popularity, etc. Not greatness. I wish more people opened up their minds. Close-mindedness is a total dream killer.
I've been getting a lot of conflicting advice from people over an issue that I shouldn't even be talking/thinking about. Because, apparently with the other party concerned, it's a non-issue. Which is...fair. In my defense, I'm a girl. I'm pretty sure all girls have this focus sometimes. Especially me, because I lack the ability to separate an event from its complete historical context, which makes for drive-you-mad ruminations. (Ruminations = psychology's kiss of death (mental wellness-wise.) And then there's my emotions, oh geez. Latest advice, pull a literary "On second thought....wtf?" But I don't think I'm going there.
Sigh. I was in physical pain for all of Thursday through Sunday, so the weekend wasn't *fantastic*, per say. I did grab some fabulous Express shirts and dumplings from Bentos. Someone suggested a model for my summer shoot that's a blonde. I really didn't want to go in that direction. I wanted dark skin and hair...but I could find a way to make blonde work. I want to use the new car (spitfire) as a prop. I think her hair might clash. :/
Tarantino, and possibly Eli Roth, have awesome taste in music. Everyone knows how great the Kill Bill soundtracks are. I'm upset that the Hostel soundtrack, at least on ITunes, is crap. Well, orchestrated pieces only, which isn't crap, it's just that I wanted the foreign disco music. Treti Galaxie (aka Stella Stai) is the best song to dance around your room to. So happy happy happy, unlike Hostel itself. I love Hostel! Or Jay Hernandez and disco music..I'm not really clear on which.
ITunes is finally getting some world music, but they're super slow about it. Like, wtf? And raising some prices, to $1.29. Um, nooo. :(
Don't like.
I'm going to redo my whole Itunes library, and I need to buy a lot.
I have this canvas waiting to be gessoed and I kind of know what I want to paint, but then I stare at it for a while, and find a way to avoid it. Someone needs to lock me in my room so I have no choice.
Busy week. Tomorrow's almost here!
You know how everyone flocks to see the Mona Lisa? And it's such a small and not particularly interesting painting. Not especially unique. A lot of paintings had small hints of smiles. I don't see what the big deal is. I look at all those people and deem them art fools, but then, if I was there, I'd crowd around to see it too, just because OMG it's the Mona Lisa (!!!) and it's so famous, you just have to lay your eyes on it (!!!). But seriously. People just hear enough that something is great and they perpetuate that idea, regardless of how they really feel about it. I think academically, art discussion should be about measurable elements: composition, color, expression, era, popularity, etc. Not greatness. I wish more people opened up their minds. Close-mindedness is a total dream killer.
I've been getting a lot of conflicting advice from people over an issue that I shouldn't even be talking/thinking about. Because, apparently with the other party concerned, it's a non-issue. Which is...fair. In my defense, I'm a girl. I'm pretty sure all girls have this focus sometimes. Especially me, because I lack the ability to separate an event from its complete historical context, which makes for drive-you-mad ruminations. (Ruminations = psychology's kiss of death (mental wellness-wise.) And then there's my emotions, oh geez. Latest advice, pull a literary "On second thought....wtf?" But I don't think I'm going there.
Sigh. I was in physical pain for all of Thursday through Sunday, so the weekend wasn't *fantastic*, per say. I did grab some fabulous Express shirts and dumplings from Bentos. Someone suggested a model for my summer shoot that's a blonde. I really didn't want to go in that direction. I wanted dark skin and hair...but I could find a way to make blonde work. I want to use the new car (spitfire) as a prop. I think her hair might clash. :/
Tarantino, and possibly Eli Roth, have awesome taste in music. Everyone knows how great the Kill Bill soundtracks are. I'm upset that the Hostel soundtrack, at least on ITunes, is crap. Well, orchestrated pieces only, which isn't crap, it's just that I wanted the foreign disco music. Treti Galaxie (aka Stella Stai) is the best song to dance around your room to. So happy happy happy, unlike Hostel itself. I love Hostel! Or Jay Hernandez and disco music..I'm not really clear on which.
ITunes is finally getting some world music, but they're super slow about it. Like, wtf? And raising some prices, to $1.29. Um, nooo. :(
Don't like.
I'm going to redo my whole Itunes library, and I need to buy a lot.
I have this canvas waiting to be gessoed and I kind of know what I want to paint, but then I stare at it for a while, and find a way to avoid it. Someone needs to lock me in my room so I have no choice.
Busy week. Tomorrow's almost here!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Beaches Art Walk
Bored to death. Got so used to talking to J or going out during lunch that being here in the quiet with the rain clouds rolling in is...sad. I should have brought a bigger lunch so I wouldn't have 1/2 an hour to kill. Of course, I could always do extra work. heh. I'm going to write a lot...
Not an eventful weekend. Went out to a few places and also did stuff with the fam, like testing out the inflatable kayak in Dor's pool. ....yeah.
I'm at a housekeeping point of time. I massively cleaned out my entire room after college, and now I need to do the same. I waver between wanting to throw away everything (literally. Like, all keepsakes and books and decorations) and wanting to leave it all there, because, who really cares?
No, I really just hate cleaning.
Am still excited about the beaches art walk last Thursday. Amazing vibe. It was like, lacking the urban dirt feel of downtown and also the polished business-like feel, and instead felt more...I dunno. Friendly? Downtown can be friendly...but the Artistree was seriously friendly, open. We walk up the side looking at wall art, and then at the printing counter, this blonde girl starts chatting us up immediately about printing on tin foil and such. Nice, interesting. I guess she's just practicing good customer service, but it felt friendly. She reminded me of Heidi. We wandered down the other side until the owner himself came around and took us on a tour of their studios. I wasn't entirely sure they had studios, because, beyond a curtain, you can't see what's back there. But they do! This entire hallway with paintings on high ceilings, and then rooms of studio space. Wine, dine, paint? Excellent. Very cool. It really made me miss UCF art department. Or high school art department.
I think I'm at the place I was in after my first 2 years of college, when I had ignored art in favor of practical things and ended up really depressed over it. I wouldn't say I was happy afterwards, but life improved greatly. My life now would probably improve greatly if I started doing art again.
I just don't know what's WRONG with me. I never had this problem for 22 years of life. But for the past couple years, it's just really hard, overall, to create anything. I'll just stare at a canvas, or piece of paper. And think of some crappy ideas. But...I dunno. I think I want to. I really miss it. I better just do it then. Paint something, anything, and if I paint enough, something will be good enough for...the public, or for me.
I remember at the end of high school, I went back to MHS to deliver Mrs. D her commissioned painting - a canal scene in Venice - and she told me that I would be in my 40s when I did art again. You think you'll have time, but you don't. You get a job, and there goes your life.
It was the most depressing thing I'd ever heard. And I felt really incredulous. Like, yeah right, maybe some people, but not me! And then here I am.
The worst part is, it didn't even take a job. Summer of 08 before I even started working, I had all the time in the world and still didn't. Why am I broken?
Here is what I have to do outside of work this week (blah):
drycleaning.
alterations....grrr
sweep floors
go through closet
reorganize and put away all photo equipment and props
hang up painting/feathered masks
exercise
go through my entire credit union banking history
thank you notes
I'd so much rather meet up with someone for Happy Hour or figure drawing.
On another note, finally watched the first episode of Easy Fortune Happy Life. I was expecting a lot, because I like Chen Qiao En (from Fated to Love You!) and Blue Lan (the guy) is hot. And it looked cute. But I dunno. I hadn't realized Nai Nai's story involved being duped by the guy she loved. I mean seriously, he gives her this pocket watch and says he'll come back for her. He never comes back, and she holds onto the watch even when they need to pawn it for food...because she cares so much. Oh, and he had stolen her family's recipe, which has enabled him to live a filthy rich life. Wtf. What a wonderful guy! So worth cherishing his memory!! Puh. We'll see if evil grandson can redeem himself.
My mom is pressuring me to call Uncle J and see his opinion. Why am I reluctant?
I think I'll see if M and/or K wants to go to Artistree next month. Maybe Ocean 60 too. And this whole time, I'd thought it was @ Ponte Vedra!
Not an eventful weekend. Went out to a few places and also did stuff with the fam, like testing out the inflatable kayak in Dor's pool. ....yeah.
I'm at a housekeeping point of time. I massively cleaned out my entire room after college, and now I need to do the same. I waver between wanting to throw away everything (literally. Like, all keepsakes and books and decorations) and wanting to leave it all there, because, who really cares?
No, I really just hate cleaning.
Am still excited about the beaches art walk last Thursday. Amazing vibe. It was like, lacking the urban dirt feel of downtown and also the polished business-like feel, and instead felt more...I dunno. Friendly? Downtown can be friendly...but the Artistree was seriously friendly, open. We walk up the side looking at wall art, and then at the printing counter, this blonde girl starts chatting us up immediately about printing on tin foil and such. Nice, interesting. I guess she's just practicing good customer service, but it felt friendly. She reminded me of Heidi. We wandered down the other side until the owner himself came around and took us on a tour of their studios. I wasn't entirely sure they had studios, because, beyond a curtain, you can't see what's back there. But they do! This entire hallway with paintings on high ceilings, and then rooms of studio space. Wine, dine, paint? Excellent. Very cool. It really made me miss UCF art department. Or high school art department.
I think I'm at the place I was in after my first 2 years of college, when I had ignored art in favor of practical things and ended up really depressed over it. I wouldn't say I was happy afterwards, but life improved greatly. My life now would probably improve greatly if I started doing art again.
I just don't know what's WRONG with me. I never had this problem for 22 years of life. But for the past couple years, it's just really hard, overall, to create anything. I'll just stare at a canvas, or piece of paper. And think of some crappy ideas. But...I dunno. I think I want to. I really miss it. I better just do it then. Paint something, anything, and if I paint enough, something will be good enough for...the public, or for me.
I remember at the end of high school, I went back to MHS to deliver Mrs. D her commissioned painting - a canal scene in Venice - and she told me that I would be in my 40s when I did art again. You think you'll have time, but you don't. You get a job, and there goes your life.
It was the most depressing thing I'd ever heard. And I felt really incredulous. Like, yeah right, maybe some people, but not me! And then here I am.
The worst part is, it didn't even take a job. Summer of 08 before I even started working, I had all the time in the world and still didn't. Why am I broken?
Here is what I have to do outside of work this week (blah):
drycleaning.
alterations....grrr
sweep floors
go through closet
reorganize and put away all photo equipment and props
hang up painting/feathered masks
exercise
go through my entire credit union banking history
thank you notes
I'd so much rather meet up with someone for Happy Hour or figure drawing.
On another note, finally watched the first episode of Easy Fortune Happy Life. I was expecting a lot, because I like Chen Qiao En (from Fated to Love You!) and Blue Lan (the guy) is hot. And it looked cute. But I dunno. I hadn't realized Nai Nai's story involved being duped by the guy she loved. I mean seriously, he gives her this pocket watch and says he'll come back for her. He never comes back, and she holds onto the watch even when they need to pawn it for food...because she cares so much. Oh, and he had stolen her family's recipe, which has enabled him to live a filthy rich life. Wtf. What a wonderful guy! So worth cherishing his memory!! Puh. We'll see if evil grandson can redeem himself.
My mom is pressuring me to call Uncle J and see his opinion. Why am I reluctant?
I think I'll see if M and/or K wants to go to Artistree next month. Maybe Ocean 60 too. And this whole time, I'd thought it was @ Ponte Vedra!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Post-It Sketch
Drawing on post-it notes is a good time waster. I'm on the quest for the perfect dress for a Spring wedding. I suffered a crushing set-back today, finding that all the BEST dresses are at Anthropologie for a minimum of $100. I'm not sure I can justify that for a dress I only wear once. :(
I'm 90% sure I'm going to Cumberland Island this weekend for the first time in almost 14 years, and I'm sooo excited!!!!!! I had better find what I did with my knife in case some forest creatures attack us. I had no camera last time, and THIS time, I shall have my DSLR. Yay!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Dui Le!
I woke up in SUCH a good mood today for the first time in I dunno how long. 12 hours of sleep, so thankfully I feel awake, getting up at 8 to sunny skies and a positive weekend ahead that shall include: Bentos, maybe Mochi, seeing Esa, working on the potato painting, and baking a friend's birthday cake. I *might* even get to bask in the sun if it's warm. *Hopeful!* I am Rapunzel getting a break from her corporate tower.
I had a terrible week but a good night yesterday b/c the parents finally decided to do happy hour with me of their own volition, and for once, no one was depressed. I love Red Elephant! I learned that I suck at happy hour. I just don't get thirsty enough do drink 2 margheritas (sp?). I don't see why you can't get 1/2 price off just one. Anyway, we talked about my grandpa - who's finally having some positivity in his life after 5+ years. I'm so proud of him! His life is like a movie.
He went on a date with this lady who is rich because of her jerk ex-husband, and she seems so sweet. Also, he met this young foreigner who's helping him learn this other language in exchange for help with English, and this guy sounds so nice. Trying to save money to send to his wife and kids back home. I think it's genuine. Sometimes I feel so jaded, I think everything I hear is BS. Sometimes it's hard to believe that some people out there are truly good and selfless.
Painting again has required listening to music, and I'm realizing there are a lot of good songs I found over the last 6 mos. or so.
Arcade Fire - Wake Up This is my favorite.
Prodigy - Spitfire
Lady Antebellum - the one where they go "I neeeed you now." I overlook my no-country rule for that song.
Coheed and Cambria - Welcome Home (the instrumental part)
that Benny and the Jetts song where they go "you know I read it in a magaziinnnneee"
Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be (after a couple times, this is cool and not retarded sounding.)
that Weezer song where they go "Girl! If you're wondering, if I want you too..."
(Is it "too" or "to?")
There was this guy yesterday with those pointy Italian-looking business shoes and parking spot on the second floor. He must make a lot of money, but he can't be over 30. My guess is 28. I don't like it when guys wear pointy business shoes.
Time to paint potato-sky. :)
I need to work on actually learning names of songs.
I had a terrible week but a good night yesterday b/c the parents finally decided to do happy hour with me of their own volition, and for once, no one was depressed. I love Red Elephant! I learned that I suck at happy hour. I just don't get thirsty enough do drink 2 margheritas (sp?). I don't see why you can't get 1/2 price off just one. Anyway, we talked about my grandpa - who's finally having some positivity in his life after 5+ years. I'm so proud of him! His life is like a movie.
He went on a date with this lady who is rich because of her jerk ex-husband, and she seems so sweet. Also, he met this young foreigner who's helping him learn this other language in exchange for help with English, and this guy sounds so nice. Trying to save money to send to his wife and kids back home. I think it's genuine. Sometimes I feel so jaded, I think everything I hear is BS. Sometimes it's hard to believe that some people out there are truly good and selfless.
Painting again has required listening to music, and I'm realizing there are a lot of good songs I found over the last 6 mos. or so.
Arcade Fire - Wake Up This is my favorite.
Prodigy - Spitfire
Lady Antebellum - the one where they go "I neeeed you now." I overlook my no-country rule for that song.
Coheed and Cambria - Welcome Home (the instrumental part)
that Benny and the Jetts song where they go "you know I read it in a magaziinnnneee"
Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be (after a couple times, this is cool and not retarded sounding.)
that Weezer song where they go "Girl! If you're wondering, if I want you too..."
(Is it "too" or "to?")
There was this guy yesterday with those pointy Italian-looking business shoes and parking spot on the second floor. He must make a lot of money, but he can't be over 30. My guess is 28. I don't like it when guys wear pointy business shoes.
Time to paint potato-sky. :)
I need to work on actually learning names of songs.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Facebook Stalking and PC Crap
Another day at work made sad by the noisy parade going on below and the fact that I can't join it. :(
Facebook Stalking
So people on Facebook are into these apps that give you an ordered list of people who frequently look at your profile. I've been tagged in a few of these, and I always think, "wtf?" because it's always someone who's profile I hardly, if ever, look at. This guy today, I mean I know/remember him of course, but I can't even remember the last time I clicked on his profile. So I'm pretty suspicious about the way facebook makes these lists. Maybe they're random?
If I ever show up on someone's stalker list who I actually do check out, I guess I won't be able to argue. But anyhow, the entire point of stalking is not to have your stalkable actions emblazoned for all the world to see. If someone is stalking you, you don't tag them in a happy little list, you stalk them back to see what they're up to that would make them want to stalk you.....at least, that's what I'd do/have done. An eye for an eye!
*Disclaimer- By stalking, I mean ala Facebook, not the scary standing outside someone's house stalking.
*************************************
I have a feeling this is one of the posts I'll delete soon...
It's interesting being white, because you're not racially marginalized while everyone else is (I am not about to discuss reverse discrimination here). I mostly hang out with other white people. I don't go out and say, "Hm you're a white person; let's be friends;" things have just worked out that way (I'm talking mostly about casual, peripheral relationships). But my entire network is not white, and is certainly not limited to a WASP culture. Sometimes I forget that that WASP-ish/white culture is default in this part of the south if you're white (and historically...), because I am/have been close to people of different backgrounds. Also, going through the programs I did in college and being involved with HR now, it does influence your thoughts.
I'm thinking of this now b/c in expanding my social network, I sometimes come across white people from my background and realize, in talking with them, that they see race differently than I do. It's a little surprising, cause I've gotten un-used to that perspective, and little awkward, because it puts you in the position of, "what do I do?"
Because I'm white, I can just not do anything, overlook it, and everything will be seamless- no one will notice. I'm not, for the record, talking about mean statements or behavior, just a comment/s with no positive or negative connotation but that still serve to marginalize, or at least separate. It's that racism where perfectly nice people who have no malintent say something that let's you know what color is norm in their world.
At what point do you actually bring up "race" as a topic in response to detecting this? Is there even a point in me doing this? Is it even my job to try to educate someone when I really have no relevant base? (No, it isn't.) In other words, because I'm white, how can I be an authority on racial marginalization? I can't. And no one wants to hear that "Well my best friend/ this awesome guy I worked with/ this guy I used to date...was a different race."
I guess if you're white, and born into a white family, with white neighbors, hanging out in the white circle at school, going to a predominately white school, and growing up to be in a job with other white people....how can you blame anyone for not being broad minded racially? It probably doesn't seem applicable to them, because their lives will probably continue to be mostly white.
Geez, I'm making no sense at all. :/
Facebook Stalking
So people on Facebook are into these apps that give you an ordered list of people who frequently look at your profile. I've been tagged in a few of these, and I always think, "wtf?" because it's always someone who's profile I hardly, if ever, look at. This guy today, I mean I know/remember him of course, but I can't even remember the last time I clicked on his profile. So I'm pretty suspicious about the way facebook makes these lists. Maybe they're random?
If I ever show up on someone's stalker list who I actually do check out, I guess I won't be able to argue. But anyhow, the entire point of stalking is not to have your stalkable actions emblazoned for all the world to see. If someone is stalking you, you don't tag them in a happy little list, you stalk them back to see what they're up to that would make them want to stalk you.....at least, that's what I'd do/have done. An eye for an eye!
*Disclaimer- By stalking, I mean ala Facebook, not the scary standing outside someone's house stalking.
*************************************
I have a feeling this is one of the posts I'll delete soon...
It's interesting being white, because you're not racially marginalized while everyone else is (I am not about to discuss reverse discrimination here). I mostly hang out with other white people. I don't go out and say, "Hm you're a white person; let's be friends;" things have just worked out that way (I'm talking mostly about casual, peripheral relationships). But my entire network is not white, and is certainly not limited to a WASP culture. Sometimes I forget that that WASP-ish/white culture is default in this part of the south if you're white (and historically...), because I am/have been close to people of different backgrounds. Also, going through the programs I did in college and being involved with HR now, it does influence your thoughts.
I'm thinking of this now b/c in expanding my social network, I sometimes come across white people from my background and realize, in talking with them, that they see race differently than I do. It's a little surprising, cause I've gotten un-used to that perspective, and little awkward, because it puts you in the position of, "what do I do?"
Because I'm white, I can just not do anything, overlook it, and everything will be seamless- no one will notice. I'm not, for the record, talking about mean statements or behavior, just a comment/s with no positive or negative connotation but that still serve to marginalize, or at least separate. It's that racism where perfectly nice people who have no malintent say something that let's you know what color is norm in their world.
At what point do you actually bring up "race" as a topic in response to detecting this? Is there even a point in me doing this? Is it even my job to try to educate someone when I really have no relevant base? (No, it isn't.) In other words, because I'm white, how can I be an authority on racial marginalization? I can't. And no one wants to hear that "Well my best friend/ this awesome guy I worked with/ this guy I used to date...was a different race."
I guess if you're white, and born into a white family, with white neighbors, hanging out in the white circle at school, going to a predominately white school, and growing up to be in a job with other white people....how can you blame anyone for not being broad minded racially? It probably doesn't seem applicable to them, because their lives will probably continue to be mostly white.
Geez, I'm making no sense at all. :/
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The Longest Day
Finally home from work, and after a shower/typical attempt at glamming, I will be off to the Blue Moon Ball!!!
2009 was a busy year, but today was not a busy day. The majority of it was spent doing non-work things, like the sketch below.
Oh boredom.
That's a bow if you can't tell. And an ugly poof skirt dress I made up. I have this thing about ugly fashion that people wouldn't wear. It's just so fun. And then instead of studying employment law, I drew the book cover model. Oh well!
2010, please don't suck!
2009 was a busy year, but today was not a busy day. The majority of it was spent doing non-work things, like the sketch below.
Oh boredom.
That's a bow if you can't tell. And an ugly poof skirt dress I made up. I have this thing about ugly fashion that people wouldn't wear. It's just so fun. And then instead of studying employment law, I drew the book cover model. Oh well!
2010, please don't suck!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Killer Plants and the Yuppie Factor
Huh, I thought about not writing so many time-killing, pointless entries here, but extreme boredom always throws my plans. We have about a million cookies in the office and I've been eating them ALL; it's terrible. I had like 4 cookies this morning, and now I feel like I'm on drugs. It's very quiet, and I was trying to sit very still and study my employment law books, and all the while, my eyes feel jittery and I want to run up and down the hallway. This is not healthy for my blood sugar.
I fell asleep last night right after watching this movie with Zoey D---? and I think Mark Whalberg?... where everyone is randomly dying and running for their lives (ala War of the Worlds)- but it's the plants that are killing them. The plants, the plants!! Anyway, so I had this dream that basically mirrored the movie...
I was in this really long rustic house, and I had a kid with me. Not my kid, just some kid, and I was pulling her around by the hand cause we knew something was up. And there were other kids of various ages throughout the house. At one point, we thought it was one of the housemates (doing I dunno what, killing?) and we were lurking in his room with the lights off, and we heard him walk in...so we scurry for the closet!! And he finds us immediately. But it was okay. He was just creepy; he didn't really care. He was also a vampire. Maybe the one from that commercial. Then we're making our way to the end of the house, and no one knows what's going on. The last room at the end, an old ex-bf of mine, T, is randomly sitting there watching tv or something. We were not dating in this dream; I don't know what he was doing there. There's another kid in the room. And T is like, "I don't know who it is..." and his eyes are staring straight ahead glazed over at the tv. And then his eyes kind of shift, ala Wade in House of Wax, over to the side, without his head moving, and uck it was just the creepiest thing ever!!!
So we knew right then, because of his shifty eyes, that he was the killer, and he might have known that we knew. But you know how, when your life is threatened, you try to play it cool, or oblivious..b/c you don't want to make the killer act fast? And so you can buy more time? So I'm just like, "Oh okay.." and we wander out of the room trying not to run. And the kid with me was so well behaved. I didn't have to explain to her why we weren't running; she just got it.
It was very creepy. You can always see psychotic tendencies in the eyes in dreams.
******************
I do NOT want to be in the house Christmas Eve or much of Christmas Day. I better stock up on gas so I can drive around. This may be a good time for taking my likely-illegal urban garage pictures. I don't think anyone would be around to catch us. I don't know why there are rules against photographing structures anyway. It's kind of an after-the-fact rule.
The unnamed quality that bothers me, on a personal note, is the "yuppie" factor. Someone explained to me that this meant "Young Urban Professionals," but that's not exactly how I've heard it used. *You* know yuppies- in the 90s the guys would wear polos and khakis with a sweater over their shoulders, sipping wine and beer at the TPC, with their blonde yuppie girlfriends with fake tans.
I am not, will never be, and will never want to be yuppie. Therefore, the intersection of my life with such a factor is illogical and should be avoided. HA!
I fell asleep last night right after watching this movie with Zoey D---? and I think Mark Whalberg?... where everyone is randomly dying and running for their lives (ala War of the Worlds)- but it's the plants that are killing them. The plants, the plants!! Anyway, so I had this dream that basically mirrored the movie...
I was in this really long rustic house, and I had a kid with me. Not my kid, just some kid, and I was pulling her around by the hand cause we knew something was up. And there were other kids of various ages throughout the house. At one point, we thought it was one of the housemates (doing I dunno what, killing?) and we were lurking in his room with the lights off, and we heard him walk in...so we scurry for the closet!! And he finds us immediately. But it was okay. He was just creepy; he didn't really care. He was also a vampire. Maybe the one from that commercial. Then we're making our way to the end of the house, and no one knows what's going on. The last room at the end, an old ex-bf of mine, T, is randomly sitting there watching tv or something. We were not dating in this dream; I don't know what he was doing there. There's another kid in the room. And T is like, "I don't know who it is..." and his eyes are staring straight ahead glazed over at the tv. And then his eyes kind of shift, ala Wade in House of Wax, over to the side, without his head moving, and uck it was just the creepiest thing ever!!!
So we knew right then, because of his shifty eyes, that he was the killer, and he might have known that we knew. But you know how, when your life is threatened, you try to play it cool, or oblivious..b/c you don't want to make the killer act fast? And so you can buy more time? So I'm just like, "Oh okay.." and we wander out of the room trying not to run. And the kid with me was so well behaved. I didn't have to explain to her why we weren't running; she just got it.
It was very creepy. You can always see psychotic tendencies in the eyes in dreams.
******************
I do NOT want to be in the house Christmas Eve or much of Christmas Day. I better stock up on gas so I can drive around. This may be a good time for taking my likely-illegal urban garage pictures. I don't think anyone would be around to catch us. I don't know why there are rules against photographing structures anyway. It's kind of an after-the-fact rule.
The unnamed quality that bothers me, on a personal note, is the "yuppie" factor. Someone explained to me that this meant "Young Urban Professionals," but that's not exactly how I've heard it used. *You* know yuppies- in the 90s the guys would wear polos and khakis with a sweater over their shoulders, sipping wine and beer at the TPC, with their blonde yuppie girlfriends with fake tans.
I am not, will never be, and will never want to be yuppie. Therefore, the intersection of my life with such a factor is illogical and should be avoided. HA!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Waxing Philosophical
FB should add an "LOL" option for statuses...and maybe a "wth?" option as well.
I'm so irritated today. I am just in a *mood* and I feel like screaming at someone. The Mad Tea Party situation normally does not get to me, but this week it has. I'm just short on patience and dissatisfied with my life and tired of being peaceable.
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and at some point, I'm going to want to climb out of the rut but won't know where to go. Back to school is the smartest option. But I'm *still* sick of school. Given my work experiences post-college, I'm not sure education is even relevant to most positions now. Exceptions: engineering, nursing, upper-level medical. I've been on the employer side of the fence long enough to see how other things matter so much more.
I alternate in a bipolar way between feeling enthused and pleased with myself in this job, and feeling like a misfit/failure. Everything about this job goes against my nature. Here's my nature: introverted, doesn't care for most people, likes sweaters and being warm, avoids numbers. Here's this job: total opposite. And it's okay. I think it's healthy to challenge yourself, and I'm learning enough. My brain isn't rotting here. Personal growth is a given here. But...always a but. I think it's because I'm a Taurus.
Taurus is the most stubborn zodiac sign, because it's both fixed and earth. So we hate change, hate pressure. Like things slow, steady, comfortable. But we're also loyal and perservere (sp?). That's a conflicting combination of traits. Say you get in a situation you're not comfortable with, well you try to make it work no matter what. Never give up! etc etc. And that can be unhealthy. I've had that situation with my choice of university, with a job in high school, and with a long-running relationship. I let all 3 go on longer than I should. In the end, I was sane enough to walk away from 2 of the 3.
I dunno. I want to stay here. I just want other things too, and I can't have them. I wonder if life is ever about finding happiness, or if it really is just about meeting challenges and hardship and not giving up.
I could have used another 2 hours of sleep today.
I'm so irritated today. I am just in a *mood* and I feel like screaming at someone. The Mad Tea Party situation normally does not get to me, but this week it has. I'm just short on patience and dissatisfied with my life and tired of being peaceable.
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and at some point, I'm going to want to climb out of the rut but won't know where to go. Back to school is the smartest option. But I'm *still* sick of school. Given my work experiences post-college, I'm not sure education is even relevant to most positions now. Exceptions: engineering, nursing, upper-level medical. I've been on the employer side of the fence long enough to see how other things matter so much more.
I alternate in a bipolar way between feeling enthused and pleased with myself in this job, and feeling like a misfit/failure. Everything about this job goes against my nature. Here's my nature: introverted, doesn't care for most people, likes sweaters and being warm, avoids numbers. Here's this job: total opposite. And it's okay. I think it's healthy to challenge yourself, and I'm learning enough. My brain isn't rotting here. Personal growth is a given here. But...always a but. I think it's because I'm a Taurus.
Taurus is the most stubborn zodiac sign, because it's both fixed and earth. So we hate change, hate pressure. Like things slow, steady, comfortable. But we're also loyal and perservere (sp?). That's a conflicting combination of traits. Say you get in a situation you're not comfortable with, well you try to make it work no matter what. Never give up! etc etc. And that can be unhealthy. I've had that situation with my choice of university, with a job in high school, and with a long-running relationship. I let all 3 go on longer than I should. In the end, I was sane enough to walk away from 2 of the 3.
I dunno. I want to stay here. I just want other things too, and I can't have them. I wonder if life is ever about finding happiness, or if it really is just about meeting challenges and hardship and not giving up.
I could have used another 2 hours of sleep today.
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