Dating: The Predator/Prey relationship.

Several good things happened this morning which is pretty unusual for a Monday. Especially in this business, the idea of things progressing smoothly and fluidly is more of a utopian ideal rather than a business reality. So I'm in a good mood. Despite cramps. Maybe the good mood has something to do with my date this weekend, though honestly I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I am probably the most suspicious person... I feel like if I ever marry someone I'll sleep with one eye cracked open, like a cat. You know...just in case.

Anyway, started thinking, hmm, maybe it is nice to have someone to kiss you. Or to run around town with. Or to cuddle with or whatever. Maybe if I did those things more often, I'd be in good moods more often. But under that thought there's this slightly vomitous feeling. I never thought relationships would make me so uneasy.

I like to keep people (read: men) at arms' length now. Especially at first. You don't know what their history is, or what their intentions are. I wish dating didn't have to be so casual and friendly. I think a 20-questions grilling session up front would tell me a lot of what I need to know. Instead there's all this slow getting-to-know-you business. Bleh.

Seriously, I can look back on a couple relationships and see that it was so clear at the end WHO that person was, but of course early on you just don't know.

I think "relationship" sounds terrifying. Just dating is maybe better. Let's just date forever with no committment and no sex because as soon as that gets in the equation everything gets dicey. It's like people are pulling knives and chaos suddenly arrives on the scene. Let's make things not complicated. Let's not worry about people out to get you or trying to ruin you. I am still a little sick and wary of guys trying to do that. With my history, geez. I'd like to think I won't be gullible anymore. That it's not possible to fall for anything again. But the only way to do that is to be walled off and never emotionally connect with anyone. Which is basically what I do. I just don't know how I'm supposed to ever trust anyone. No matter how nice, educated, sweet, patient, fun, whatever he is...I will always be thinking I'm seeing a lie.