Hello Summer!

It's been a pretty good first half of Monday. Which makes me super hesitant about being happy for the rest of the day. Who knows what disaster awaits? Or maybe the disasters are waiting for later in the week. Prolly.

I am feeling today:
content
accomplished
slightly stupid
cold

28 geese floated across the golf course lake yesterday at once.
Much shopping with different shopping buddies took place. Lots of deals. OMG deals, deals, deals. I get like, metaphoric, simultaneous hearts and dollar signs in my eyes. Swoontastically happy.

Things to do outside of work this week:
exercise...duh
get coat altered...and while I'm at it, 2 or 3 suits
sew hems on 3 pairs of pants
sew loose buttons. I hate sewing.
iron
hang painting and feather masks
dinner with Esa at Bento
finish my painting
oil change (whine, whine, whine)
check and refill tires
thank you card
see Eclipse (ahem...yeah ok)
Bachelorette Monday Night

I can't believe I watch that stupid show. I *know* it's stupid and rigged and horrid and I can't....stop...watching it! I can't wait for her to get rid of the guy that got that stupid tattoo. I think she should go with the guy that looks like Fry. He seems pretty genuinely sweet. I'm glad I don't have much going on socially this week b/c I really do have to make progress with these chores.

I have 100% decided to buy a pet pig. I will have a 1-2 year plan. I must save up for him, and get a big living space. Ok, if it's a house...that'll be more than a 2 year plan. And I'd like to have kids someday...so I hope pigs get along with children. I was looking through that giant coffee table zodiac book to see who Tauruses are compatible with (answer: no one except Picses apparently. Well that's the "most ideal" match. Who the heck is a Picses? No one! I don't want to date a Picses!) when I found this thing saying the ideal pet for a Taurus is: a pot bellied pig!!!

OMG! Not as good as a tea cup pig...but close. How true is this!!! Meant to be....

And then I'm going to take a week (yes a full week!) off of work to travel to those random exits no one goes to in Florida with my pig, my camera, and a gun (to be safe) and just photo-document the entire area. Maybe I'll buy it little shoes.

Quarantine wasn't a great movie. Everyone says REC is better...I disagree. I think it just got there first. But then, I may be biased...Jay Hernandez is in it. He is so good looking and likable; I'm surprised he doesn't find more work. Although Jennifer Carpenter's in it too..and she got terrible in the last 15 minutes.

Bad Sketch Dump

Woke up at 9 today after 15 hours of sleep. Didn't even eat dinner. *sigh* Just when I think I'm getting better, I realize, I'm probably still dying or something. Or it could be just the stress.


Did some messy sketches a week or so ago one morning when I was B.O.R.E.D. I keep thinking sometime soon I'll be capable of drawing something real. This is a doodle >

Doodles happen when you're on the phone. Then I tried sketching from some internet picz. That's different than sketching from photos, because you can't see anything clearly. This is Show Luo and Rainie from Hi My Sweetheart, which is either cute or stupid; not sure. I love Show Luo's wig...I went to middle school with a boy with mushroom hair.

It's terrible though because Rainie ended up looking REALLY off. So then I did this one, with Nai Nai and Anson from FTLY, and both look o.k. separately, but together the sizes are off. This is because I was too lazy to do figure mapping. I started with the right side of Nai Nai and ended with the left side of Anson. If you don't do at least a general map before you start, one side of a pic almost always ends up the wrong size (or squished or running off the page.)

The only one I did a proper job with is this one with Rainie and Wil Pan. I love them in Miss No Good! :) Anyhow, crappy unfinished sketches like this are wastes of time. I have a canvas ready to go, but I've been too tired/obsessed with finding Slovakian disco music lately to focus. Luckily I finally found a file of Pravda Vit'azi! :)

The best sketch by far though is this one. This personifies how I feel at any given moment.

Well, if it doesn't rain, I have a Hare Krishna (spelling?) festival to get to and a new wardrobe to buy. If I feel like jumping the gun, that is.

the third galaxy

I look ridiculously forward to very small, insignificant events. It's because I don't have enough fun in my life. I'm super excited art walk is tomorrow, omgz.

You know how everyone flocks to see the Mona Lisa? And it's such a small and not particularly interesting painting. Not especially unique. A lot of paintings had small hints of smiles. I don't see what the big deal is. I look at all those people and deem them art fools, but then, if I was there, I'd crowd around to see it too, just because OMG it's the Mona Lisa (!!!) and it's so famous, you just have to lay your eyes on it (!!!). But seriously. People just hear enough that something is great and they perpetuate that idea, regardless of how they really feel about it. I think academically, art discussion should be about measurable elements: composition, color, expression, era, popularity, etc. Not greatness. I wish more people opened up their minds. Close-mindedness is a total dream killer.

I've been getting a lot of conflicting advice from people over an issue that I shouldn't even be talking/thinking about. Because, apparently with the other party concerned, it's a non-issue. Which is...fair. In my defense, I'm a girl. I'm pretty sure all girls have this focus sometimes. Especially me, because I lack the ability to separate an event from its complete historical context, which makes for drive-you-mad ruminations. (Ruminations = psychology's kiss of death (mental wellness-wise.) And then there's my emotions, oh geez. Latest advice, pull a literary "On second thought....wtf?" But I don't think I'm going there.

Sigh. I was in physical pain for all of Thursday through Sunday, so the weekend wasn't *fantastic*, per say. I did grab some fabulous Express shirts and dumplings from Bentos. Someone suggested a model for my summer shoot that's a blonde. I really didn't want to go in that direction. I wanted dark skin and hair...but I could find a way to make blonde work. I want to use the new car (spitfire) as a prop. I think her hair might clash. :/

Tarantino, and possibly Eli Roth, have awesome taste in music. Everyone knows how great the Kill Bill soundtracks are. I'm upset that the Hostel soundtrack, at least on ITunes, is crap. Well, orchestrated pieces only, which isn't crap, it's just that I wanted the foreign disco music. Treti Galaxie (aka Stella Stai) is the best song to dance around your room to. So happy happy happy, unlike Hostel itself. I love Hostel! Or Jay Hernandez and disco music..I'm not really clear on which.

ITunes is finally getting some world music, but they're super slow about it. Like, wtf? And raising some prices, to $1.29. Um, nooo. :(
Don't like.
I'm going to redo my whole Itunes library, and I need to buy a lot.

I have this canvas waiting to be gessoed and I kind of know what I want to paint, but then I stare at it for a while, and find a way to avoid it. Someone needs to lock me in my room so I have no choice.

Busy week. Tomorrow's almost here!

Beaches Art Walk

Bored to death. Got so used to talking to J or going out during lunch that being here in the quiet with the rain clouds rolling in is...sad. I should have brought a bigger lunch so I wouldn't have 1/2 an hour to kill. Of course, I could always do extra work. heh. I'm going to write a lot...

Not an eventful weekend. Went out to a few places and also did stuff with the fam, like testing out the inflatable kayak in Dor's pool. ....yeah.
I'm at a housekeeping point of time. I massively cleaned out my entire room after college, and now I need to do the same. I waver between wanting to throw away everything (literally. Like, all keepsakes and books and decorations) and wanting to leave it all there, because, who really cares?

No, I really just hate cleaning.

Am still excited about the beaches art walk last Thursday. Amazing vibe. It was like, lacking the urban dirt feel of downtown and also the polished business-like feel, and instead felt more...I dunno. Friendly? Downtown can be friendly...but the Artistree was seriously friendly, open. We walk up the side looking at wall art, and then at the printing counter, this blonde girl starts chatting us up immediately about printing on tin foil and such. Nice, interesting. I guess she's just practicing good customer service, but it felt friendly. She reminded me of Heidi. We wandered down the other side until the owner himself came around and took us on a tour of their studios. I wasn't entirely sure they had studios, because, beyond a curtain, you can't see what's back there. But they do! This entire hallway with paintings on high ceilings, and then rooms of studio space. Wine, dine, paint? Excellent. Very cool. It really made me miss UCF art department. Or high school art department.

I think I'm at the place I was in after my first 2 years of college, when I had ignored art in favor of practical things and ended up really depressed over it. I wouldn't say I was happy afterwards, but life improved greatly. My life now would probably improve greatly if I started doing art again.

I just don't know what's WRONG with me. I never had this problem for 22 years of life. But for the past couple years, it's just really hard, overall, to create anything. I'll just stare at a canvas, or piece of paper. And think of some crappy ideas. But...I dunno. I think I want to. I really miss it. I better just do it then. Paint something, anything, and if I paint enough, something will be good enough for...the public, or for me.

I remember at the end of high school, I went back to MHS to deliver Mrs. D her commissioned painting - a canal scene in Venice - and she told me that I would be in my 40s when I did art again. You think you'll have time, but you don't. You get a job, and there goes your life.
It was the most depressing thing I'd ever heard. And I felt really incredulous. Like, yeah right, maybe some people, but not me! And then here I am.

The worst part is, it didn't even take a job. Summer of 08 before I even started working, I had all the time in the world and still didn't. Why am I broken?

Here is what I have to do outside of work this week (blah):
drycleaning.
alterations....grrr
sweep floors
go through closet
reorganize and put away all photo equipment and props
hang up painting/feathered masks
exercise
go through my entire credit union banking history
thank you notes

I'd so much rather meet up with someone for Happy Hour or figure drawing.

On another note, finally watched the first episode of Easy Fortune Happy Life. I was expecting a lot, because I like Chen Qiao En (from Fated to Love You!) and Blue Lan (the guy) is hot. And it looked cute. But I dunno. I hadn't realized Nai Nai's story involved being duped by the guy she loved. I mean seriously, he gives her this pocket watch and says he'll come back for her. He never comes back, and she holds onto the watch even when they need to pawn it for food...because she cares so much. Oh, and he had stolen her family's recipe, which has enabled him to live a filthy rich life. Wtf. What a wonderful guy! So worth cherishing his memory!! Puh. We'll see if evil grandson can redeem himself.

My mom is pressuring me to call Uncle J and see his opinion. Why am I reluctant?

I think I'll see if M and/or K wants to go to Artistree next month. Maybe Ocean 60 too. And this whole time, I'd thought it was @ Ponte Vedra!

Post-It Sketch

Drawing on post-it notes is a good time waster. I'm on the quest for the perfect dress for a Spring wedding. I suffered a crushing set-back today, finding that all the BEST dresses are at Anthropologie for a minimum of $100. I'm not sure I can justify that for a dress I only wear once. :(

I'm 90% sure I'm going to Cumberland Island this weekend for the first time in almost 14 years, and I'm sooo excited!!!!!! I had better find what I did with my knife in case some forest creatures attack us. I had no camera last time, and THIS time, I shall have my DSLR. Yay!

Dui Le!

I woke up in SUCH a good mood today for the first time in I dunno how long. 12 hours of sleep, so thankfully I feel awake, getting up at 8 to sunny skies and a positive weekend ahead that shall include: Bentos, maybe Mochi, seeing Esa, working on the potato painting, and baking a friend's birthday cake. I *might* even get to bask in the sun if it's warm. *Hopeful!* I am Rapunzel getting a break from her corporate tower.

I had a terrible week but a good night yesterday b/c the parents finally decided to do happy hour with me of their own volition, and for once, no one was depressed. I love Red Elephant! I learned that I suck at happy hour. I just don't get thirsty enough do drink 2 margheritas (sp?). I don't see why you can't get 1/2 price off just one. Anyway, we talked about my grandpa - who's finally having some positivity in his life after 5+ years. I'm so proud of him! His life is like a movie.

He went on a date with this lady who is rich because of her jerk ex-husband, and she seems so sweet. Also, he met this young foreigner who's helping him learn this other language in exchange for help with English, and this guy sounds so nice. Trying to save money to send to his wife and kids back home. I think it's genuine. Sometimes I feel so jaded, I think everything I hear is BS. Sometimes it's hard to believe that some people out there are truly good and selfless.

Painting again has required listening to music, and I'm realizing there are a lot of good songs I found over the last 6 mos. or so.

Arcade Fire - Wake Up This is my favorite.
Prodigy - Spitfire
Lady Antebellum - the one where they go "I neeeed you now." I overlook my no-country rule for that song.
Coheed and Cambria - Welcome Home (the instrumental part)
that Benny and the Jetts song where they go "you know I read it in a magaziinnnneee"
Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be (after a couple times, this is cool and not retarded sounding.)
that Weezer song where they go "Girl! If you're wondering, if I want you too..."
(Is it "too" or "to?")

There was this guy yesterday with those pointy Italian-looking business shoes and parking spot on the second floor. He must make a lot of money, but he can't be over 30. My guess is 28. I don't like it when guys wear pointy business shoes.

Time to paint potato-sky. :)

I need to work on actually learning names of songs.

Facebook Stalking and PC Crap

Another day at work made sad by the noisy parade going on below and the fact that I can't join it. :(

Facebook Stalking

So people on Facebook are into these apps that give you an ordered list of people who frequently look at your profile. I've been tagged in a few of these, and I always think, "wtf?" because it's always someone who's profile I hardly, if ever, look at. This guy today, I mean I know/remember him of course, but I can't even remember the last time I clicked on his profile. So I'm pretty suspicious about the way facebook makes these lists. Maybe they're random?

If I ever show up on someone's stalker list who I actually do check out, I guess I won't be able to argue. But anyhow, the entire point of stalking is not to have your stalkable actions emblazoned for all the world to see. If someone is stalking you, you don't tag them in a happy little list, you stalk them back to see what they're up to that would make them want to stalk you.....at least, that's what I'd do/have done. An eye for an eye!

*Disclaimer- By stalking, I mean ala Facebook, not the scary standing outside someone's house stalking.

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I have a feeling this is one of the posts I'll delete soon...

It's interesting being white, because you're not racially marginalized while everyone else is (I am not about to discuss reverse discrimination here). I mostly hang out with other white people. I don't go out and say, "Hm you're a white person; let's be friends;" things have just worked out that way (I'm talking mostly about casual, peripheral relationships). But my entire network is not white, and is certainly not limited to a WASP culture. Sometimes I forget that that WASP-ish/white culture is default in this part of the south if you're white (and historically...), because I am/have been close to people of different backgrounds. Also, going through the programs I did in college and being involved with HR now, it does influence your thoughts.

I'm thinking of this now b/c in expanding my social network, I sometimes come across white people from my background and realize, in talking with them, that they see race differently than I do. It's a little surprising, cause I've gotten un-used to that perspective, and little awkward, because it puts you in the position of, "what do I do?"

Because I'm white, I can just not do anything, overlook it, and everything will be seamless- no one will notice. I'm not, for the record, talking about mean statements or behavior, just a comment/s with no positive or negative connotation but that still serve to marginalize, or at least separate. It's that racism where perfectly nice people who have no malintent say something that let's you know what color is norm in their world.

At what point do you actually bring up "race" as a topic in response to detecting this? Is there even a point in me doing this? Is it even my job to try to educate someone when I really have no relevant base? (No, it isn't.) In other words, because I'm white, how can I be an authority on racial marginalization? I can't. And no one wants to hear that "Well my best friend/ this awesome guy I worked with/ this guy I used to date...was a different race."

I guess if you're white, and born into a white family, with white neighbors, hanging out in the white circle at school, going to a predominately white school, and growing up to be in a job with other white people....how can you blame anyone for not being broad minded racially? It probably doesn't seem applicable to them, because their lives will probably continue to be mostly white.

Geez, I'm making no sense at all. :/

The Longest Day

Finally home from work, and after a shower/typical attempt at glamming, I will be off to the Blue Moon Ball!!!

2009 was a busy year, but today was not a busy day. The majority of it was spent doing non-work things, like the sketch below.



Oh boredom.
That's a bow if you can't tell. And an ugly poof skirt dress I made up. I have this thing about ugly fashion that people wouldn't wear. It's just so fun. And then instead of studying employment law, I drew the book cover model. Oh well!

2010, please don't suck!

Killer Plants and the Yuppie Factor

Huh, I thought about not writing so many time-killing, pointless entries here, but extreme boredom always throws my plans. We have about a million cookies in the office and I've been eating them ALL; it's terrible. I had like 4 cookies this morning, and now I feel like I'm on drugs. It's very quiet, and I was trying to sit very still and study my employment law books, and all the while, my eyes feel jittery and I want to run up and down the hallway. This is not healthy for my blood sugar.

I fell asleep last night right after watching this movie with Zoey D---? and I think Mark Whalberg?... where everyone is randomly dying and running for their lives (ala War of the Worlds)- but it's the plants that are killing them. The plants, the plants!! Anyway, so I had this dream that basically mirrored the movie...

I was in this really long rustic house, and I had a kid with me. Not my kid, just some kid, and I was pulling her around by the hand cause we knew something was up. And there were other kids of various ages throughout the house. At one point, we thought it was one of the housemates (doing I dunno what, killing?) and we were lurking in his room with the lights off, and we heard him walk in...so we scurry for the closet!! And he finds us immediately. But it was okay. He was just creepy; he didn't really care. He was also a vampire. Maybe the one from that commercial. Then we're making our way to the end of the house, and no one knows what's going on. The last room at the end, an old ex-bf of mine, T, is randomly sitting there watching tv or something. We were not dating in this dream; I don't know what he was doing there. There's another kid in the room. And T is like, "I don't know who it is..." and his eyes are staring straight ahead glazed over at the tv. And then his eyes kind of shift, ala Wade in House of Wax, over to the side, without his head moving, and uck it was just the creepiest thing ever!!!

So we knew right then, because of his shifty eyes, that he was the killer, and he might have known that we knew. But you know how, when your life is threatened, you try to play it cool, or oblivious..b/c you don't want to make the killer act fast? And so you can buy more time? So I'm just like, "Oh okay.." and we wander out of the room trying not to run. And the kid with me was so well behaved. I didn't have to explain to her why we weren't running; she just got it.

It was very creepy. You can always see psychotic tendencies in the eyes in dreams.

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I do NOT want to be in the house Christmas Eve or much of Christmas Day. I better stock up on gas so I can drive around. This may be a good time for taking my likely-illegal urban garage pictures. I don't think anyone would be around to catch us. I don't know why there are rules against photographing structures anyway. It's kind of an after-the-fact rule.

The unnamed quality that bothers me, on a personal note, is the "yuppie" factor. Someone explained to me that this meant "Young Urban Professionals," but that's not exactly how I've heard it used. *You* know yuppies- in the 90s the guys would wear polos and khakis with a sweater over their shoulders, sipping wine and beer at the TPC, with their blonde yuppie girlfriends with fake tans.

I am not, will never be, and will never want to be yuppie. Therefore, the intersection of my life with such a factor is illogical and should be avoided. HA!

Waxing Philosophical

FB should add an "LOL" option for statuses...and maybe a "wth?" option as well.

I'm so irritated today. I am just in a *mood* and I feel like screaming at someone. The Mad Tea Party situation normally does not get to me, but this week it has. I'm just short on patience and dissatisfied with my life and tired of being peaceable.
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and at some point, I'm going to want to climb out of the rut but won't know where to go. Back to school is the smartest option. But I'm *still* sick of school. Given my work experiences post-college, I'm not sure education is even relevant to most positions now. Exceptions: engineering, nursing, upper-level medical. I've been on the employer side of the fence long enough to see how other things matter so much more.

I alternate in a bipolar way between feeling enthused and pleased with myself in this job, and feeling like a misfit/failure. Everything about this job goes against my nature. Here's my nature: introverted, doesn't care for most people, likes sweaters and being warm, avoids numbers. Here's this job: total opposite. And it's okay. I think it's healthy to challenge yourself, and I'm learning enough. My brain isn't rotting here. Personal growth is a given here. But...always a but. I think it's because I'm a Taurus.

Taurus is the most stubborn zodiac sign, because it's both fixed and earth. So we hate change, hate pressure. Like things slow, steady, comfortable. But we're also loyal and perservere (sp?). That's a conflicting combination of traits. Say you get in a situation you're not comfortable with, well you try to make it work no matter what. Never give up! etc etc. And that can be unhealthy. I've had that situation with my choice of university, with a job in high school, and with a long-running relationship. I let all 3 go on longer than I should. In the end, I was sane enough to walk away from 2 of the 3.

I dunno. I want to stay here. I just want other things too, and I can't have them. I wonder if life is ever about finding happiness, or if it really is just about meeting challenges and hardship and not giving up.

I could have used another 2 hours of sleep today.