The Visceral Cognitive Dissonance

DS was absolutely right about my pessimistic tendencies. I've been thinking about this a lot over the past 72 hours. My life motto has evolved..or devolved?...into "It could always be worse." However, it remains a classic "chicken or the egg" story, because - what came first? Do negative life experiences coach a negative worldview and set of opinions (a kind of "conditioned response" learning that we already know animals are capable of), or does one's negative worldview lead to experiences being interpreted as negative or the negative being focused on while any positives are quickly dismissed as transient or marginal?

I don't believe psychologists will ever answer this question, because all areas of human emotional and mental learning seem to be circular.

Anyway, went to this new crepes restaurant in Riverside over the weekend. We all stood outside this smoke shop (I don't smoke, for the record), talking, bathed in the glow of neon lights in sinful red tones. (On that note, who decided red is the color to link to sin and lust?) Street activity was going on. A small coffee shop had a constant trail of people in and out, a condo building towered above the block with sporadic lights lit. It was PERFECT for drawing or coming up with some artistic set up.

I am again reminded of how incongrous THAT life is, the one I could have chosen, with the one I ended up with. Much like "studio art" and "honors psychology," there is no overlap in the life of an artist compared to a business person outside of a creative field. At times like this, I can see why people pick up smoking.

My friend M had a period of unemployment this year. Amidst the undeniable stress of "where am I going to live when the money runs out?" he spoke in encouraged tones about his life prospects. Having no 8-to-5 opened an avenue for art - a chance to develop his photography hobby into something more substantial - something beyond night club gigs, perhaps. But his relief at now, again having an 8-to-5 is clear. It does not make you happy, but it keeps you safe.

Anyway, the crepe dinner was Friday night. I could have gone out afterward, but I headed home and collapsed into a coma-like sleep. I lounged in bed for the entirety of Saturday. It was nice...of course on Sunday the new drug was prompting my brain to skirt away from any normal human process, so I felt extremely sick and near vomiting all afternoon. Honestly I feel similar today.

I had a dream someone was shot. Someone with dark hair. I knew him in the dream but not in real life. It was some grand horror plot that I can't remember now.

I went on a date last weekend...did I mention that? It was what I thought. I'm done with this for the rest of the year at least.

Shit I Don't Want To Do

My main problem in life is not getting my feelings hurt or not getting oil changes on time or drinking too much orange juice, etc., but instead having all these things I don't want to face for whatever reason that just fester under the mental surface and drive me crazy, so that when one (1) bad thing happens, I just completely lose it. It's the culmination of ALL these things stressing me out.

It's getting to be about time to deal with some of these. The most pressing are:

1) Getting (or not) my PHR
2) Studying for and taking the GRE
3) Picking a grad school program
4) Researching new cars to buy
5) Researching apartments to buy...actually not a good time for that
6) Getting a hair cut
7) Getting my bloodwork done
8) Calling my doctor because ignoring medical issues doesn't solve them
9) Doing art, esp. the RAM squares
10) Making an art website
11) Making an effort to meet people (not love interests, just people)
12) Cleaning my closet and drawers of clothes
13) Ironing the shirts that have been hanging up for 6 months
14) Finding a new dry cleaner
15) Transfering my car's title
16) Researching insurance changes
17) Writing my will
18) Dusting
19) Checking my other, abandoned email account
20) Running a defrag on my computer

F. I feel like I lack some kind of "care" toward life that would make me get on these things. You'd think it's just feeling depressed because that really drains your motivation to..you know..get up in the morning and everything else. But even in my times of delusional happiness I don't do these things. I just bask in the happiness because I know it's temporary.

Well.

One thing that used to be on that list - exercise. I have become exercised-obsessed. Ok, only in the past week, but still. I figure if I do 40-60 minutes of exercise EVERY DAY and monitor what I eat by cutting back on carbs/cheese, I will see noticable results in 4.5 months. The end of the year, that's my goal. Then I have MORE fitness goals for 2012 but let's see if I can commit to this first. I also went to Just Fitness for a tour and membership info. The month-to-month looks affordable but I may take a month to just DIY because if I can accomplish this w/o a gym, it will be cheaper and faster (less drive time).

Someone was like, "oh, you want to get fit to attract hot guys?" It's like, no...I'm thin enough, I attract guys, hot and otherwise. I'm not interested in attracting anyone if all of them just want to use me for sex..or they're crazy. I think it's 1 of the 2....anyway, this is for *me*.

I HAVE to be fit because I have things to accomplish. And not all of them are nice, but anyway. You think about something for 12 years...probably time to do something about it and make it happen. Just wait.

Dating: The Predator/Prey relationship.

Several good things happened this morning which is pretty unusual for a Monday. Especially in this business, the idea of things progressing smoothly and fluidly is more of a utopian ideal rather than a business reality. So I'm in a good mood. Despite cramps. Maybe the good mood has something to do with my date this weekend, though honestly I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I am probably the most suspicious person... I feel like if I ever marry someone I'll sleep with one eye cracked open, like a cat. You know...just in case.

Anyway, started thinking, hmm, maybe it is nice to have someone to kiss you. Or to run around town with. Or to cuddle with or whatever. Maybe if I did those things more often, I'd be in good moods more often. But under that thought there's this slightly vomitous feeling. I never thought relationships would make me so uneasy.

I like to keep people (read: men) at arms' length now. Especially at first. You don't know what their history is, or what their intentions are. I wish dating didn't have to be so casual and friendly. I think a 20-questions grilling session up front would tell me a lot of what I need to know. Instead there's all this slow getting-to-know-you business. Bleh.

Seriously, I can look back on a couple relationships and see that it was so clear at the end WHO that person was, but of course early on you just don't know.

I think "relationship" sounds terrifying. Just dating is maybe better. Let's just date forever with no committment and no sex because as soon as that gets in the equation everything gets dicey. It's like people are pulling knives and chaos suddenly arrives on the scene. Let's make things not complicated. Let's not worry about people out to get you or trying to ruin you. I am still a little sick and wary of guys trying to do that. With my history, geez. I'd like to think I won't be gullible anymore. That it's not possible to fall for anything again. But the only way to do that is to be walled off and never emotionally connect with anyone. Which is basically what I do. I just don't know how I'm supposed to ever trust anyone. No matter how nice, educated, sweet, patient, fun, whatever he is...I will always be thinking I'm seeing a lie.

Carita de Angel

Carita de Angel was the cutest show. It was my first foreign tv show, followed my more from New Zealand, Taiwan, etc....it came on some time when I was almost out of middle school on Univision. Mom and I would watch every episode even though we didn't understand 75% of it (we don't speak Spanish). Basically, it's about this cute little kid, Dulce Maria, who always means well but gets into loads of trouble, and her family. There's this beautiful nun, Hermana Cecilia, who teaches at the school Maria goes to, who falls for her rich handsome dad, Luciano...they are so cute together! And they call her aunt "Tia Pelucas" because she always wears some neon colored wig. And she has a little dog, Chiripa! I always thought Luciano was so good looking lol.
I was gonna draw Hermana Fortunata too but got distracted...
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I went to Mixx yesterday and TacoLu at the beach for the first time! Parking was a bear. We'll see what happens now. I will say, filet mignon in a taco is a pretty good idea. It's hard to be happy really because as soon as you start feeling better, there's more bad news. The cancer's spread into her bones and brain. People are offering to talk to me. What am I supposed to say?

The Cornerstone Luncheon

It's not that I don't catch onto world news or am heartless, I just don't generally comment on it. Millions of people take care of that already.

My immediate concerns are mundane and routine - beaches art walk this Thursday, probably busy due to St. Patty's day, the river clean up this weekend, the photoshoot, and last Friday.

Friday was the Chamber's cornerstone luncheon featuring the new Gov., Rick Scott. It is something you don't want to be late for...so of COURSE I get stuck in traffic on the Main St. bridge coming from office location #1. Ugh! Who knew so many people would be going?! This is my fault for being so politically naive. Anyway, I wasn't worried, because I've been to the Hyatt before and they have this parking garage...which was full. Then the lot they directed everyone to was full. Then there was no where else to go. So, with 10 minutes to spare, I had to drive up and park at office location #2. It's just over half a mile away, but have you ever tried running/walking 1/2 mile in high heels in less than 10 minutes? Through downtown traffic? With a possibly crazy homeless man screaming next to you? Anyway I was SO panicked but made it - had no time to brush my hair though. It was so crowded they had staff with maps of the tables to help you find yours. Whew!

The actual luncheon was okay. Salad: -5. Chicken entree: +10. Speakers: well everyone was there for Rick Scott, even people that dislike him. Apparently this was the highest turn out..over 1,000 people. Around 1,500 I think. A sea of mostly older business men in dark suits. The Gov. spoke before the meal, which was an odd but logical move. I had read about Rick Scott but never heard him speak. Someone at our table pointed out how NOT an orator he is, which is true. Is this good? Does it help with connecting to the masses? Does using less polish in one's speech mean one is less of a "politician" and therefore, less corrupted? ...Don't really think so, but it was very interesting to see him present that way.

I walked back and ran into some guy on the elevators. He had walked back from the luncheon too. Why do I always meet guys A) in elevators and B) when I look awful? Someone asked me after, "was he married?" I don't know!! I never remember to look at hands! Never! But it was just an elevator meeting.

I microwaved chicken noodle soup today at work. Of course I spill it on my hand taking it out...and then spill it on myself again while cleaning it up. My finger kind of burns, but there's nothing cold around. Wish it was nap time!

Six Degrees

So, in November I discovered the AMAZING show Six Degrees and watched all 13 episodes in about a week (which is fast for someone who mostly sleeps when not working). I can't believe it was canceled! It's one of those things that just had a lot of rotten luck (like being placed near Grey's Anatomy in 2006 - weren't they in competing time slots?), but also has some serious fans. I thought it was really well done and acted....follows 6 (mostly) people in New York and the ways their lives intertwine. There are few dramas like this I see and think not only is everything realistic (well, maybe except for some of Mae/Claire's issues), but I also LIKE everyone. Caseman was so "blaahhhh one-toned" some time he did get on my nerves, but I liked even him. Anyway I'm mildly obsessed with it and will probably draw more pics to express that.

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I drew this a few weeks ago from my downtown window...I don't know what this building used to be, but this sign's been on top of it forever.
I'll end with an awesomely horrible and LAZY sketch, which is how 90% of my sketches turn out. You can tell it was done with absolutely 0 thought or planning and can see what parts I completely didn't care about...men's legs, apparently. Oh well! These are all old - no time for sketching in December so far.

Oh, it's the holidays...

While everything related to driving pisses me off, I think HUMAN traffic patterns are interesting. Office patterns. Interesting how Monday morning of a big holiday week there is virtually no office noise (read - inhabitants) until 9:00 or shortly before. I expect come 4:45 p.m. this Wednesday the place will be dead silent, with the exception of ME.

Interesting weekend. Yelling fights, possible food poisoning, sleeping delusionally for 14 hours Sat/Sunday, jumping into a black abyss artistically. Not really, just that I bought those RAM canvases and have no idea what to do with them. Plus the guy tells me they're closing Dec 18th, not to reopen until March. Excellent. An approaching deadline in the middle of the holidays is exactly what I was looking for.

I'm having a problem because still, the only thing I feel like painting is a vulture. I can't do vultures here b/c I'm doing a separate collection. Also, I think putting prices on them makes me feel daunted. I don't want to think about $ b/c that makes me think that the point of this experiment is to try to SELL, meaning the drive behind a painting should be "what do other people want?" I don't think i'm in a solid enough position to give a crap what other people want right now.

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We are finally working on New Year's Eve plans, and Orlando is looking more likely. :) OMG I miss Orlando so much. I thought about going there after Thanksgiving, just on my own, but then I once again didn't get an oil change. Bother. I have this unfortunate mental image though of standing around some club at the midnight countdown amidst my friend (with her bf), and a bunch of guido-esque guys of his I couldn't be less interested in. I don't WANT to find someone I'm interested in, for the record, I just find third-wheeling moments a little trite these days. I shall sip my drink with a blase expression from the balcony.

At art walk, we met this french guy who went on and on about some European big-wig coming down from his castle and escorting all the American tourists over to his place for an after-party in 14 cars. I told J that sounded like a story to me, but she said it's likely for that part of town. All I know is I felt REALLY provincial after that discussion. I am reminded again that I am the only person I know who hasn't been to Europe/Asia/somewhere!! I haven't even been to the west coast of America. I really need to get out more.

I need to get healthy first. You'd think 1.5 months of iron would have done some good. Not according to this weekend.

Gravedigger ramble

The past 24 hours have been insane. Massively unexpected car crash (luckily only my car involved) after my first time hydoplaning (hates driving even more now) and a random door-to-door nurse who ambushed me in my office with the flu shot. And FYI - it makes your arm really hurt!! Anyway, I'm going to blah all the excess details about a more peaceful time...the Gravedigger's Ball!

Gravedigger's Ball 10/29/10
I get to K's later than intended (as always.) She opens the door wearing a costume much more appropriate for a 20-something than me: black corset, skirt, and stockings with super tall black stripper heels. She's got the cutest devil horns to round it out. Me, on the other hand, - wearing a child's miniskirt for $5 from Wal-Mart (it flounces!), black leggings with yellow/black striped leg warmers, black heels, a yellow shirt, wings, and bee antennas. I cut the shirt there so I could get a second opinion, just enough to show black tank top. My heels are modest and not stripper-like. Even so, I'm about 5'9'' and tower over her ala J-wow towering over Snooki.

Fl/Ga is always cramping my style, so I wasn't optimistic about parking, but we get right in for $5, sweet. I'd been feeling tired and nonplussed beforehand but once we got up to the bloody door I was REALLY excited. Ok, so VIP tickets were overpriced, and no one even checked for wristbands, but there were so many excellent costumes, like:

-gingerbread man
-crazy dancing Bert (ala Ernie and Bert)
-big giant alien
-about 50 Mad Hatters and Red Queens
-giant stilt bird
-oh, and at least 20 bee girls who looked way more like bees than my cheap a$$

First thing is this aquarium room (with another bee AND devil girl in it, I may add) where 2 women are giving crystal ball readings. We have to try this. I sit down and she asks me to picture a question, an issue that I need answered. I think about some dumb romantic question involving a guy. She squints into the ball.

"I see an airplane... a trip? A journey? But there is positive energy on this journey."

I mentally try to relate this to romance. She tells me she also sees stress and recommends that I close my eyes and count to 3 when I feel at my wit's end. I don't tell her I'd be doing that so often I'd be walking around blind.

MOSH is really the perfect venue b/c it's got so much that can easily become weird and creepy: giant teeth, dinosaurs, muscle tissue, etc. And it's all done up for Halloween. We push past some hookerish sailor girls and head up the stairs when all of a sudden, K's stripper heel just dies. The platform detaches and just hangs off sadly. Holy hell, this is not good. We make it up the stairs but her platform doesn't; it detaches and tumbles down. Like some dark, modern Cinderella. I awkwardly backtrack to get it, but luckily a pirate gets there first and hands me the shoe. So we peel the other platform off too, but that makes it worse. No other option: we have to leave, get another pair of shoes, and come back.

We're almost at the front when this spunky lady in a shiny blue geisha dress tells us we're going the wrong way. I explain the shoe crisis. The lady is horrified and immediately offers to help:
"I'm Sabrina. I run "Go Cocktails" upstairs. I have flip flops! Why don't you borrow my flip flops?!"
Omg you're a life-saver.
We slink back past half-naked staff to the cocktail girls' dressing rooms. It's very behnid-the-scenes. Sabrina's Aunt pops in to help. We're trying to unlace K's heels- these things are done up like Victorian shoes - and Aunt's fingers just fly down the hooks and laces while I'm still trying to undo the knot on the other shoe.

K isn't thrilled, but this seems like Best Case Scenario to me. We muck back up the stairs, and the next floor is awesome- lottsa people and drinks. VIP is on the roof, and the only way up is one very slow elevator. A crowd of mutinous drunk people mulls around in line, including this agressive zombie I have to give a mean look to. This giant evil pumpkin head guy walks out of a wall and glances around before running off. We see him again once 20 of us have squeezed onto the elevator. His pumpkin face is pressed up against the glass from outside while he pounds the walls and his demonic red eyes flash.

The doors finally open into a dark hallway that leads into open air - food and drinks and a skyline view. We're 2 seconds into rounding the room when a...cannibal? some guy comes up to us and starts chatting. He pulls us over to his friends, a nun who does not look holy, a red riding hood, and a mobster guy. "How old are you?" he ends up asking.

"Guess," I say. They always think I'm younger.

He narrows his eyes. "21?" I wonder what he would have said if it wasn't obviously a drinking event.

"Did you come together?" one of the girls asks, maybe the nun. We say we did, and they "Ahhh." I'm pretty sure they think we're lesbians.

We chat some more and then I decide it's drink time. The Go Cocktails table has lots of girly drinks, so it's hard to choose. I make a dumb choice with a sugar-free cosmo. Nothing sugar free ever tastes right! But it's pretty. It's also super strong, and I feel it about a quarter of the way through.

We people watch for a while, when the Party Animal comes up to us with a monkey head. He has a lot of beers around his waist and I tell him so, because it's disconcerting to have someone with a monkey head stare at you and not say anything. He takes off the head and starts talking. He's really nice, but it comes out in kind of a slur.

He asks how old we are. ("Howz old mmmz r yoo?") I tell him to guess. He says 21 too. I laugh, and he looks confused. He starts telling us how to make a good drink and something about the West Side.

We wander back down to the dinosaur area below and hear some kind of pulsating loud house music coming around a corner. It's the planetarium- massive laser show. Kids are slinking all around the walls and strung out of the floor staring up. A laser of a giant desk lamp floats around with some trapezoid shapes shaking. A Nordic guy sees me taking pics and leans around my shoulder. He wants me to take a pic through his 3D glasses to see the effect (blurry, btw). He lets us keep the glasses, but they're not 3D after all. They split each image up into about 15 litle images all spinning around. It's too trippy for me. But I loved it.

We make it out to dinosaurs and weird ameoba-like creatures and camwhore. Then the ambiguously gay duo rushes past to take over the costume contest. There are at least 2 people way taller than me - a giant alien and a tan cute guy dressed as a nerd. We make another trip to VIP. They had pasta, for heaven's sake, and I'm going to make use of my $!

We head out before closing, b/c K's a little down about the shoes. We're able to get them back and leave Sabrina's flip flops in the dressing room.
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Overall, I liked it. I was really glad we went. Really sucks about the shoes, but lucky it worked out. Overpriced though. I think next year I'll go all out.

Atlantic people

Bl-ahh. Gonna write a novel-ish post about the Gravedigger's Ball, but not tonight. Had a horribly stressful day and had to go grocery shopping after work. In a moment of weakness, I bought....cookies. :( FML. They had sprinkles and were so pretty. :/

Such a crazy week. Imma chill out tonight and maybe paint cause I won't get a break now until the weekend. But first: cooking pierogies (spelling?). I feel unsettled.

Completely wrong and right, at once

After my Saturday night plan for Dave and Busters was RUINED (among other plans for the weekend, thank YOU), I ended up rounding peoples together for Urban Flats. Urban Flats (in Jax southside, not beaches) has a totally different flair than the ones in Orlando or Bradenton. It's huge, and so crowded you can barely find parking. I decided to throw some money around and bought the most delicious martini of my life.

My new drink of choice will be: the martini (not including the appletini, which I had an unpleasant experience with). Martinis are overpriced until you're actually drinking them, upon which point you realize the $ is SO worth it. Mas, mas, mas.

I'm trying to keep my head above the constant death and depression surrounding my life. HOW CHEERY!! I think everyone is. It's just....I mean, we're all realists here. And reality does go in one direction. In the end, we may be faced with a reality that I'm already anticipating (darkly) but not prepared to handle.

So I plan on attending a lot of happy hours. I am going to fulfill that prophecy I made back Senior year in the apartment living room. I'll be here and you'll be there, etc. Lol, well another step closer. I can practically see the future. What a mess things are. I got myself into a baby shower this week (what was I thinking? It's like I blocked how awkward the last one was from memory). Got someone's going-away party. Hopefully Orlando this weekend for roomie reunion!!

I was reading this Orlando Weekly I'd saved and comparing it to the Folio Weekly. Why have I always thought these 2 cities have such different atmospheres? No one else ever notices this. I wish I had a way to remove the bias of my experiences and evaluate the 2 from a blank slate. Regardless of anything, I still miss Orlando. If I was rich, I think I'd buy a condo there for the weekends.

You can't depend on anyone for good bacon these days. Even Metro Diner disappointed. We went there Saturday and they had a kid's drawing on the wall that I recognized from my first visit in August of 2008, the day after I moved back to Jax. 2 years feels like 20.

E and her bf have been trying to get me to meet this guy since summer started, and I just refuse. There is only one man in all of Jax I'd like to get to know more, and he is undateable b/c 1) he smokes, and 2) he's about 10 yrs. older than me.

Que lastima, but who has the time? At any rate, I forgot my pain meds at home. Of course, it's turning out to be a SUPER fun day. I'll see the doctor in October and plan to ask for something drastic. I cannot afford to spend 1/4 of my life curled up in pain! They should make sick days for this kind of thing.

Oh, and California Pizza Kitchen finally opening in the Town Center. People love this place. I had someone refer to it today as "CPK." Acronyms = adoration. Well I think it's overrated. People like to rave about mom and pop Italian places, or trendy places, but no matter where you go, Olive Garden always ends up with the best food. CPK (ha) is a bit small, pricey, and you don't get much. My meal was sooo small, and the foccascia (sp?) was inadequate. Maybe I was just irritated because this girl next to me was SOO loud. Or maybe I should have ordered a martini.