DS was absolutely right about my pessimistic tendencies. I've been thinking about this a lot over the past 72 hours. My life motto has evolved..or devolved?...into "It could always be worse." However, it remains a classic "chicken or the egg" story, because - what came first? Do negative life experiences coach a negative worldview and set of opinions (a kind of "conditioned response" learning that we already know animals are capable of), or does one's negative worldview lead to experiences being interpreted as negative or the negative being focused on while any positives are quickly dismissed as transient or marginal?
I don't believe psychologists will ever answer this question, because all areas of human emotional and mental learning seem to be circular.
Anyway, went to this new crepes restaurant in Riverside over the weekend. We all stood outside this smoke shop (I don't smoke, for the record), talking, bathed in the glow of neon lights in sinful red tones. (On that note, who decided red is the color to link to sin and lust?) Street activity was going on. A small coffee shop had a constant trail of people in and out, a condo building towered above the block with sporadic lights lit. It was PERFECT for drawing or coming up with some artistic set up.
I am again reminded of how incongrous THAT life is, the one I could have chosen, with the one I ended up with. Much like "studio art" and "honors psychology," there is no overlap in the life of an artist compared to a business person outside of a creative field. At times like this, I can see why people pick up smoking.
My friend M had a period of unemployment this year. Amidst the undeniable stress of "where am I going to live when the money runs out?" he spoke in encouraged tones about his life prospects. Having no 8-to-5 opened an avenue for art - a chance to develop his photography hobby into something more substantial - something beyond night club gigs, perhaps. But his relief at now, again having an 8-to-5 is clear. It does not make you happy, but it keeps you safe.
Anyway, the crepe dinner was Friday night. I could have gone out afterward, but I headed home and collapsed into a coma-like sleep. I lounged in bed for the entirety of Saturday. It was nice...of course on Sunday the new drug was prompting my brain to skirt away from any normal human process, so I felt extremely sick and near vomiting all afternoon. Honestly I feel similar today.
I had a dream someone was shot. Someone with dark hair. I knew him in the dream but not in real life. It was some grand horror plot that I can't remember now.
I went on a date last weekend...did I mention that? It was what I thought. I'm done with this for the rest of the year at least.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Shit I Don't Want To Do
My main problem in life is not getting my feelings hurt or not getting oil changes on time or drinking too much orange juice, etc., but instead having all these things I don't want to face for whatever reason that just fester under the mental surface and drive me crazy, so that when one (1) bad thing happens, I just completely lose it. It's the culmination of ALL these things stressing me out.
It's getting to be about time to deal with some of these. The most pressing are:
1) Getting (or not) my PHR
2) Studying for and taking the GRE
3) Picking a grad school program
4) Researching new cars to buy
5) Researching apartments to buy...actually not a good time for that
6) Getting a hair cut
7) Getting my bloodwork done
8) Calling my doctor because ignoring medical issues doesn't solve them
9) Doing art, esp. the RAM squares
10) Making an art website
11) Making an effort to meet people (not love interests, just people)
12) Cleaning my closet and drawers of clothes
13) Ironing the shirts that have been hanging up for 6 months
14) Finding a new dry cleaner
15) Transfering my car's title
16) Researching insurance changes
17) Writing my will
18) Dusting
19) Checking my other, abandoned email account
20) Running a defrag on my computer
F. I feel like I lack some kind of "care" toward life that would make me get on these things. You'd think it's just feeling depressed because that really drains your motivation to..you know..get up in the morning and everything else. But even in my times of delusional happiness I don't do these things. I just bask in the happiness because I know it's temporary.
Well.
One thing that used to be on that list - exercise. I have become exercised-obsessed. Ok, only in the past week, but still. I figure if I do 40-60 minutes of exercise EVERY DAY and monitor what I eat by cutting back on carbs/cheese, I will see noticable results in 4.5 months. The end of the year, that's my goal. Then I have MORE fitness goals for 2012 but let's see if I can commit to this first. I also went to Just Fitness for a tour and membership info. The month-to-month looks affordable but I may take a month to just DIY because if I can accomplish this w/o a gym, it will be cheaper and faster (less drive time).
Someone was like, "oh, you want to get fit to attract hot guys?" It's like, no...I'm thin enough, I attract guys, hot and otherwise. I'm not interested in attracting anyone if all of them just want to use me for sex..or they're crazy. I think it's 1 of the 2....anyway, this is for *me*.
I HAVE to be fit because I have things to accomplish. And not all of them are nice, but anyway. You think about something for 12 years...probably time to do something about it and make it happen. Just wait.
It's getting to be about time to deal with some of these. The most pressing are:
1) Getting (or not) my PHR
2) Studying for and taking the GRE
3) Picking a grad school program
4) Researching new cars to buy
5) Researching apartments to buy...actually not a good time for that
6) Getting a hair cut
7) Getting my bloodwork done
8) Calling my doctor because ignoring medical issues doesn't solve them
9) Doing art, esp. the RAM squares
10) Making an art website
11) Making an effort to meet people (not love interests, just people)
12) Cleaning my closet and drawers of clothes
13) Ironing the shirts that have been hanging up for 6 months
14) Finding a new dry cleaner
15) Transfering my car's title
16) Researching insurance changes
17) Writing my will
18) Dusting
19) Checking my other, abandoned email account
20) Running a defrag on my computer
F. I feel like I lack some kind of "care" toward life that would make me get on these things. You'd think it's just feeling depressed because that really drains your motivation to..you know..get up in the morning and everything else. But even in my times of delusional happiness I don't do these things. I just bask in the happiness because I know it's temporary.
Well.
One thing that used to be on that list - exercise. I have become exercised-obsessed. Ok, only in the past week, but still. I figure if I do 40-60 minutes of exercise EVERY DAY and monitor what I eat by cutting back on carbs/cheese, I will see noticable results in 4.5 months. The end of the year, that's my goal. Then I have MORE fitness goals for 2012 but let's see if I can commit to this first. I also went to Just Fitness for a tour and membership info. The month-to-month looks affordable but I may take a month to just DIY because if I can accomplish this w/o a gym, it will be cheaper and faster (less drive time).
Someone was like, "oh, you want to get fit to attract hot guys?" It's like, no...I'm thin enough, I attract guys, hot and otherwise. I'm not interested in attracting anyone if all of them just want to use me for sex..or they're crazy. I think it's 1 of the 2....anyway, this is for *me*.
I HAVE to be fit because I have things to accomplish. And not all of them are nice, but anyway. You think about something for 12 years...probably time to do something about it and make it happen. Just wait.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Dating: The Predator/Prey relationship.
Several good things happened this morning which is pretty unusual for a Monday. Especially in this business, the idea of things progressing smoothly and fluidly is more of a utopian ideal rather than a business reality. So I'm in a good mood. Despite cramps. Maybe the good mood has something to do with my date this weekend, though honestly I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I am probably the most suspicious person... I feel like if I ever marry someone I'll sleep with one eye cracked open, like a cat. You know...just in case.
Anyway, started thinking, hmm, maybe it is nice to have someone to kiss you. Or to run around town with. Or to cuddle with or whatever. Maybe if I did those things more often, I'd be in good moods more often. But under that thought there's this slightly vomitous feeling. I never thought relationships would make me so uneasy.
I like to keep people (read: men) at arms' length now. Especially at first. You don't know what their history is, or what their intentions are. I wish dating didn't have to be so casual and friendly. I think a 20-questions grilling session up front would tell me a lot of what I need to know. Instead there's all this slow getting-to-know-you business. Bleh.
Seriously, I can look back on a couple relationships and see that it was so clear at the end WHO that person was, but of course early on you just don't know.
I think "relationship" sounds terrifying. Just dating is maybe better. Let's just date forever with no committment and no sex because as soon as that gets in the equation everything gets dicey. It's like people are pulling knives and chaos suddenly arrives on the scene. Let's make things not complicated. Let's not worry about people out to get you or trying to ruin you. I am still a little sick and wary of guys trying to do that. With my history, geez. I'd like to think I won't be gullible anymore. That it's not possible to fall for anything again. But the only way to do that is to be walled off and never emotionally connect with anyone. Which is basically what I do. I just don't know how I'm supposed to ever trust anyone. No matter how nice, educated, sweet, patient, fun, whatever he is...I will always be thinking I'm seeing a lie.
Anyway, started thinking, hmm, maybe it is nice to have someone to kiss you. Or to run around town with. Or to cuddle with or whatever. Maybe if I did those things more often, I'd be in good moods more often. But under that thought there's this slightly vomitous feeling. I never thought relationships would make me so uneasy.
I like to keep people (read: men) at arms' length now. Especially at first. You don't know what their history is, or what their intentions are. I wish dating didn't have to be so casual and friendly. I think a 20-questions grilling session up front would tell me a lot of what I need to know. Instead there's all this slow getting-to-know-you business. Bleh.
Seriously, I can look back on a couple relationships and see that it was so clear at the end WHO that person was, but of course early on you just don't know.
I think "relationship" sounds terrifying. Just dating is maybe better. Let's just date forever with no committment and no sex because as soon as that gets in the equation everything gets dicey. It's like people are pulling knives and chaos suddenly arrives on the scene. Let's make things not complicated. Let's not worry about people out to get you or trying to ruin you. I am still a little sick and wary of guys trying to do that. With my history, geez. I'd like to think I won't be gullible anymore. That it's not possible to fall for anything again. But the only way to do that is to be walled off and never emotionally connect with anyone. Which is basically what I do. I just don't know how I'm supposed to ever trust anyone. No matter how nice, educated, sweet, patient, fun, whatever he is...I will always be thinking I'm seeing a lie.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Carita de Angel
Carita de Angel was the cutest show. It was my first foreign tv show, followed my more from New Zealand, Taiwan, etc....it came on some time when I was almost out of middle school on Univision. Mom and I would watch every episode even though we didn't understand 75% of it (we don't speak Spanish). Basically, it's about this cute little kid, Dulce Maria, who always means well but gets into loads of trouble, and her family. There's this beautiful nun, Hermana Cecilia, who teaches at the school Maria goes to, who falls for her rich handsome dad, Luciano...they are so cute together! And they call her aunt "Tia Pelucas" because she always wears some neon colored wig. And she has a little dog, Chiripa! I always thought Luciano was so good looking lol.
I was gonna draw Hermana Fortunata too but got distracted...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to Mixx yesterday and TacoLu at the beach for the first time! Parking was a bear. We'll see what happens now. I will say, filet mignon in a taco is a pretty good idea. It's hard to be happy really because as soon as you start feeling better, there's more bad news. The cancer's spread into her bones and brain. People are offering to talk to me. What am I supposed to say?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The Cornerstone Luncheon
It's not that I don't catch onto world news or am heartless, I just don't generally comment on it. Millions of people take care of that already.
My immediate concerns are mundane and routine - beaches art walk this Thursday, probably busy due to St. Patty's day, the river clean up this weekend, the photoshoot, and last Friday.
Friday was the Chamber's cornerstone luncheon featuring the new Gov., Rick Scott. It is something you don't want to be late for...so of COURSE I get stuck in traffic on the Main St. bridge coming from office location #1. Ugh! Who knew so many people would be going?! This is my fault for being so politically naive. Anyway, I wasn't worried, because I've been to the Hyatt before and they have this parking garage...which was full. Then the lot they directed everyone to was full. Then there was no where else to go. So, with 10 minutes to spare, I had to drive up and park at office location #2. It's just over half a mile away, but have you ever tried running/walking 1/2 mile in high heels in less than 10 minutes? Through downtown traffic? With a possibly crazy homeless man screaming next to you? Anyway I was SO panicked but made it - had no time to brush my hair though. It was so crowded they had staff with maps of the tables to help you find yours. Whew!
The actual luncheon was okay. Salad: -5. Chicken entree: +10. Speakers: well everyone was there for Rick Scott, even people that dislike him. Apparently this was the highest turn out..over 1,000 people. Around 1,500 I think. A sea of mostly older business men in dark suits. The Gov. spoke before the meal, which was an odd but logical move. I had read about Rick Scott but never heard him speak. Someone at our table pointed out how NOT an orator he is, which is true. Is this good? Does it help with connecting to the masses? Does using less polish in one's speech mean one is less of a "politician" and therefore, less corrupted? ...Don't really think so, but it was very interesting to see him present that way.
I walked back and ran into some guy on the elevators. He had walked back from the luncheon too. Why do I always meet guys A) in elevators and B) when I look awful? Someone asked me after, "was he married?" I don't know!! I never remember to look at hands! Never! But it was just an elevator meeting.
I microwaved chicken noodle soup today at work. Of course I spill it on my hand taking it out...and then spill it on myself again while cleaning it up. My finger kind of burns, but there's nothing cold around. Wish it was nap time!
My immediate concerns are mundane and routine - beaches art walk this Thursday, probably busy due to St. Patty's day, the river clean up this weekend, the photoshoot, and last Friday.
Friday was the Chamber's cornerstone luncheon featuring the new Gov., Rick Scott. It is something you don't want to be late for...so of COURSE I get stuck in traffic on the Main St. bridge coming from office location #1. Ugh! Who knew so many people would be going?! This is my fault for being so politically naive. Anyway, I wasn't worried, because I've been to the Hyatt before and they have this parking garage...which was full. Then the lot they directed everyone to was full. Then there was no where else to go. So, with 10 minutes to spare, I had to drive up and park at office location #2. It's just over half a mile away, but have you ever tried running/walking 1/2 mile in high heels in less than 10 minutes? Through downtown traffic? With a possibly crazy homeless man screaming next to you? Anyway I was SO panicked but made it - had no time to brush my hair though. It was so crowded they had staff with maps of the tables to help you find yours. Whew!
The actual luncheon was okay. Salad: -5. Chicken entree: +10. Speakers: well everyone was there for Rick Scott, even people that dislike him. Apparently this was the highest turn out..over 1,000 people. Around 1,500 I think. A sea of mostly older business men in dark suits. The Gov. spoke before the meal, which was an odd but logical move. I had read about Rick Scott but never heard him speak. Someone at our table pointed out how NOT an orator he is, which is true. Is this good? Does it help with connecting to the masses? Does using less polish in one's speech mean one is less of a "politician" and therefore, less corrupted? ...Don't really think so, but it was very interesting to see him present that way.
I walked back and ran into some guy on the elevators. He had walked back from the luncheon too. Why do I always meet guys A) in elevators and B) when I look awful? Someone asked me after, "was he married?" I don't know!! I never remember to look at hands! Never! But it was just an elevator meeting.
I microwaved chicken noodle soup today at work. Of course I spill it on my hand taking it out...and then spill it on myself again while cleaning it up. My finger kind of burns, but there's nothing cold around. Wish it was nap time!
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